Dear Eric: I have a typical 15-year-old teenage girl. She is my world and I do everything I can for her, knowing the general cold teenage response I will get. It usually doesn’t bother me.
Recently she has been wanting money for hanging out. There was a contest from my employer to draw a safety picture and win $100. She decided to enter it, and she asked for a picture of my work. So, I had someone take my picture in front of one of our machines and I sent it to her.
She drew the picture of someone doing something unsafe and being stopped before getting hurt, I thought the someone in her drawing was me. She won the contest.
I mentioned to her how awesome it was she drew me and she flatly let me know it wasn’t, it was some random person. I was absolutely crushed and hurt.
Why am I feeling this way? Any other time I would not care and let her cold teenage responses roll off my back.
– Crushed Mom
Dear Mom: One of the hard but necessary rites of passage into adulthood is gaining the ability to look back at one’s teenage self and shudder at the way that one took a parent for granted or gave a cold shoulder for no reason. It sounds like you understand that your teen may not always be responding from her best self but that it’s not really directed at you.
You may have, reasonably, felt a sense of honor that she was thinking about your workplace. It can be rare that a teen fully comprehends what a parent does for work, let alone how hard the parent works.
Try to remember that your teen’s eyes were focused squarely on the $100 prize and so this is an issue of overlooking rather than one of insult. She probably doesn’t have the necessary context to understand why it would feel good to be drawn by her.
It’s also OK to share with her about your work. You might talk about how you feel about yourself when you do a good job or obstacles that you’re proud to have overcome. She may not fully grasp the value – a parent’s stories are worth more than $100, but it takes time to learn that. But you can start to lay the groundwork so that when she outgrows her cold responses, you have more to talk about.
Dear Eric: I’ve been a CVT (it’s like being a RN but for animals) for more than 20 years. While I still work within the veterinary industry, I had to stop working in veterinary hospitals in 2016 as I was no longer able to make a living wage.
I find that conversations about pets inevitably lead to comments bashing the veterinary industry. These comments usually surround the cost of care. I get to hear about how “greedy” veterinary hospitals are and how “if they actually cared,” clients would be charged less. These were actually comments I was frequently subjected to while still working in a hospital setting.
I normally just bite my tongue, but I have to admit it’s getting much more difficult. I’m sure that part of the increase in this negativity stems from generalized anxiety over the economy and rise in the cost of living.
I’m starting to feel that I would prefer to say something to help educate others that running a full-service hospital is actually very expensive and give a hint that they are being insulting, without coming off as confrontational. It also hurts that I literally cannot do the work I’m trained to do because I can’t support myself; while being indirectly accused of being greedy and I’m getting tired of it. Should I say something or keep biting my tongue?
– Second Opinion
Dear Opinion: There are ways of offering gentle correction or redirection. For instance, you could say, “I have an extensive background in veterinary medicine, and I have a different perspective on the cost of care. Can I share it with you?” or something similar.
Some people just want to vent or aren’t interested in another perspective, however, so you’re less likely to achieve what you want to achieve with them.
And that’s OK because, while you needn’t keep quiet about what you know, it’s also helpful to remember that there is truth in both what you feel and what others feel.
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They likely know that medical professionals aren’t the ones setting the costs of care. Too often, however, we don’t have access to the people or companies who are really the cause of financial strain.
Still, even if their frustration is misplaced, it can still be true that they are stretched thin by medical costs. Acknowledging that and offering your perspective may help them see a bigger picture.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)