Dear Eric: I’m writing about my 64-year-old sister I’ll call “Beth.”
We are three sisters. Mom passed away nine years ago. Dad is 89, living in another province.
For her own reasons Beth has a hatred toward him. She complains she gets a 45-second call once a week about how he drank and gambled away the money he got from a brother.
I look at it as: he’s your 90-year-old Dad, drop it.
She has even said when he passes, she’ll watch him go in the ground and leave.
She used to speak ill of my mom as well.
Is there anything that I could say to her without her withdrawing from my life?
– Upset Sister
Dear Sister: Even if raised in the same house, every sibling has a different childhood and every sibling has a different relationship to the parents. Whether or not it’s justified, Beth’s relationship with your parents has been rocky and troubled and probably very painful for her. It seems even now that the way she and your dad communicate is fraught at best.
This isn’t something you can change, so you may have to accept it instead. But accepting it doesn’t mean you have to listen to the complaints forever. Instead, tell her that you understand how frustrated she’s feeling, but that you don’t want the negativity of his relationship with her to poison the good relationship you have. Tell her that you want to be supportive to her, but that you’d appreciate it if you could talk less about him. You might even share that when she complains, you want to fix things or help but that there’s nothing you can do.
She may see you as a listening ear who gets where she’s coming from. That’s fine, in moderation. But since it has started to become an issue, it’s time to redirect her with kindness. She might even appreciate the chance to talk to you about something else.
Dear Eric: It feels like so many people are very lonely ever since the pandemic. I love having friends, but I am an older lady (70) and still working a very physical job while being mobility challenged.
I meet lots of people every day. I am the chatty type who likes everyone, but it seems like people are desperate for friendship in the world right now.
I am just exhausted by the end of the day; there isn’t a lot of time or energy left for me to socialize. I am also one of those people who needs peace and quiet at the end of the day to let my brain recharge.
Wonderful people keep asking if I want to meet them here or there or go do things here or there, people that I have just met.
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I am always honest and try to explain that I have limited funds and work long hours and just don’t go out much at all but if they want to text or email, we can keep in touch. I think it is better to be honest with them than have them constantly inviting me out and letting them get hurt by not accepting. I can always see how lonely these strangers are, and I know they are good people, but I am literally exhausted most of the time and desperately need rest and quiet by the time I get home.
What can I say to sweet people to tell them that I would like to be friends, but I am not in a physical or mental state to go places and spend money I don’t have? I want everyone to be happy and have company and friends, but I can’t do more than I am now. I am just so tired and they look so sad. Tell me what to say so they don’t think I am rejecting them?
– Old and Tired but Love People
Dear Love People: Wow, you sound refreshingly empathetic. Kudos to you and your kind heart. Empathy is in woefully short supply these days (it’s one of the reasons I phrase the answers in the column the way I do). It’s important to remember, however, that though you can feel for people and want their problems to improve, it’s not your responsibility to fix said problems. Sometimes a kind chat in passing or even a smile is enough to turn someone’s lonely day around. So, grant yourself a little grace, knowing that your presence, even momentarily, is making a difference.
If you feel the need to explain yourself, giving the explanation that you’re already giving is sufficient. “I would love to spend time out, but I just don’t have the physical or mental energy. I appreciate you asking.” This might also put others at ease who worry that you’re lonely and in need of company.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)