Dear Eric: My husband and I are the fortunate recipients of our parents’ inheritances. We worked hard and lived within our means, so we are secure in our retirement, and this money is not needed but a generous gift.
I would like to use this money for enrichment of my life and my friends’ lives, like picking up the check or paying for vacation condos.
How do I approach this without coming off as “Lady Bountiful ” when I want to treat my friends?
– Sharing the Wealth
Dear Sharing: Be upfront with your friends about your financial situation, or as upfront as you’re comfortable being, and then pitch your plans with some specifics. For instance, “I’d like to go on vacation this winter to someplace I’ve always wanted to see. Would you let me pick up the tab so it’s an easy yes for everyone?”
Your friends may still have a small amount of envy or even discomfort about being treated to things by you. We all have complicated relationships with money sometimes. But that’s not really something you can or should try to fix for them.
By being honest about what you’d like to do and acknowledging that it might bring about complicated feelings, you show your friends respect and empower them to respond honestly.
One way of thinking about these potential treats is as gifts that your parents gave to you and your friends. Now your parents didn’t know this, of course, but in these conversations, it might be worth pointing out that this money is unexpected and not spoken for.
I hope you and your friends make many happy memories together.
Dear Eric: I have a different opinion for “Didn’t Get a Vote”, whose sister came to visit during a time when the letter writer already had plans. It is related to replying to invitations in a timely manner. “Didn’t Get a Vote” knew months in advance that they couldn’t attend the family lake gathering and purposefully chose not to respond with regrets in a timely manner.
One sibling was making the effort to host/invite and another was taking the time to travel; they probably thought that letting others know of the proposed date well in advance was also a way of asking whether that date worked for everyone.
Perhaps they would have changed the date had they known that one sibling couldn’t attend. I can’t help but wonder if the letter writer didn’t speak up sooner because they didn’t want to attend the gathering. I have noticed that many invitees will only RSVP if a reply has been specifically requested (and many not even then), but isn’t it most polite to respond to an invitation with a prompt reply?
Betty, the organizer of this visit, was justified in calling out the late response about the lack of attendance. There likely could have been time to “make it work” with a different date. It is a shame to get hung up on semantics and miss a potential rescheduling when the siblings were very clearly trying to plan an inclusive get-together.
– RSVP on Time
Dear RSVP: What you’re pointing out is exactly right and I should have brought this up. It seemed to me, when reading the letter originally, that the plans had been announced without opportunity for feedback or adjustments. But that was an assumption on my part, not something that was included explicitly in the letter. So, it would have been better to voice the conflict as early as possible. Even if the scheduling conflict couldn’t be avoided, the interpersonal conflict could have been.
Dear Eric: In response to the young widow whose friends do not reach out to support her (“Grieving Loss of Connections”), at 49, I was in the same situation. Support only came from my family and a few girlfriends who listened and invited me out.
The letter writer’s friends just don’t get it. It took two years for me to get the help I needed by joining a widow support group, which I would never have thought I would do in a million years. It helped immensely and gave me connections and support with the grief of losing a partner with people of all ages and circumstances. I eventually distanced myself from non-supporters. I continue at 72 to listen and support friends and family in their grief.
– Supported in Hard Times
Dear Supported: I’m sorry you shared the experience of friends not showing up for you. Unfortunately, too often, when confronted with another person’s grief people think they don’t know what to say or do. When, in truth, the most important step is simply showing up. I want to second your point about how helpful support groups can be. I’m glad you found them when you needed them.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)