Asking Eric: Annual trip was friends-only until two started dating

Dear Eric: A bunch of friends and I usually go on vacation for Labor Day. We’ve been doing it since senior year of high school. We’re now all 29. We rent two beach houses and just hang out. No one brings a girlfriend or anything. It’s just a guys weekend.

The problem is two of the guys have started dating between last year and this year. They’re the only gay guys in the group. And even though I was surprised when they started dating, I really don’t have any problem with it in general. I never have. But this year felt weird and a couple of the other guys said they also felt weird, too.

I don’t know how to bring it up without sounding offensive or like I don’t accept my friends. It’s never been a question that I completely accept my friends. So, I don’t understand why I’m feeling this way. Should I say something or just get over it?

– Vacation Couple

Dear Vacation: It sounds like the weird feeling you’re navigating is being exacerbated by a little guilt over whether you’re responding in a way that’s homophobic. That’s understandable, but it seems that homophobia isn’t really the root of the discomfort. Imagine if the friends were a straight couple. Wouldn’t the vibe of the vacation house also be thrown off, at least temporarily?

Your group has made an agreement that significant others wouldn’t be invited, as a way of focusing on each other. The dating friends haven’t broken that rule, but that doesn’t mean it won’t feel different.

As you all talk about next year, use this development proactively. Ask each other, “how can we create a vacation that meets us all where we are now?”

It might be that significant others start to be included. Or it might be that by next year it doesn’t feel weird anymore. Also, I hesitate to put this energy out there, but by next year they may not be dating anymore. That would create a different set of circumstances to navigate on vacation. Feel free to write in again if so.

Dear Eric: My wife and I were married for more than 50 years. The last 10 years were very different because I was her caregiver.

I began dating a friend of mine about four months after she passed away. My friend’s husband passed away about six months before my wife did. I think both of us had a lot of grief. We consoled each other since we were both alone.

My children didn’t understand my need for support from someone who is going through the same situation

I’ve had a gambling problem over the years, which has led to deceit at times. One of my children has helped me quite a bit. The other one has basically divorced themself from my life completely. I wish I could mend all the fences I have broken, but it seems impossible at this time.

I want peace with my family. I know I do not have long to live. I have reached out; however, it has not worked, and I pray every day for peace and mending of the fences. I just hope I can reach peace with them and myself. What else can I do?

– Peace Seeking

Dear Seeking: There are at least two sources of familial conflict. One is the relationship that followed your wife’s death and presumably hard feelings that your children had about it. It’s possible that they felt the relationship happened too quickly. The death of a parent and the grieving process is something that resists control or a timetable, but sometimes grieving adult children will resort to trying to exert control over the way the surviving parent lives, reacts, and loves.

The second problem – the deceit – likely intensifies the first. If there were hard feelings from the past, even childhood, your children may have a harder time putting them aside. Your past actions may color your current actions, as well.

You write that it hasn’t worked out when you’ve reached out. I wonder what the nature of the reaching out has been. Some things may not ever fully resolve, but it can be very meaningful to name what you feel you did wrong, apologize for it, and try to make amends. You might consider starting that process with a letter.

Be as honest as you can about what you did and how it impacted your children. Be honest about how you feel. And make one specific suggestion intended to help you with your larger goal – reconnecting before your death. It doesn’t have to be a big, involved plan. The suggestion can be as simple as “can I take you to lunch. I have some things I need to say, and I’d be honored if you’d listen.”

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)