To forgive is divine, or so the proverb goes, but it can also help prevent illness, according to a Palos Heights psychologist.
“Chronic anger causes a lot of problems with heart, blood pressure, the immune system, not to mention depression, anxiety, all that kind of stuff,” said Jessica Loftus, who is leading a seminar on the topic later this month in Worth.. “There are even some suggestions that forgiveness may be a factor in developing cancer or treating it.”
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She cited a study by Johns Hopkins University that was posted in a blog in July titled “Forgiveness: Your Life Depends on It,” as well as one posted by Howard University that “noted 61% of cancer patients have forgiveness issues and chronic negative emotions. It’s not just a spiritual thing. Bodily, we’re going to be healthier,” she said.
As a psychologist for nearly 30 years, Loftus has witnessed firsthand the changes that forgiveness can bring. “I personally have observed that it can make a huge difference in reducing anxiety, depression, addiction – those are the three most common mental health conditions,” she explained. “Almost everybody I see has something else going on, but pretty much everyone has those three (issues).”
She also pointed to the spiritual benefits of forgiveness, though it’s “more than just God likes it.” And, she said, people are told about giving forgiveness but not given direction on how to do so.
“When we try to empathize with others, with the offender, we become aware of our own sin and ultimately strive to become better people and we set a good example,” Loftus said, adding that “interpersonal benefits” often result. “We’re getting along better with people and set better boundaries. One thing with people I realized when I was trying to forgive is to set better boundaries with toxic people.”
In Loftus’ view, forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean letting someone off the hook, tolerating bad behavior or continuing a relationship with that person.
“And absolutely we do not forget,” she said. “We are not biologically wired to do so, for survival reasons. We remember harmful things that have happened to us to ensure survival.”
What forgiveness can mean, however, is “letting go of toxic resentment and the ongoing desire for retaliation,” she said.
Her own need to work on forgiveness was part of what drove Loftus to offer a seminar.
“As a psychologist, I realized the resentment was weighing me down, so I went through my own journey and I started sharing it with my clients,” she said. “I really saw several people almost transformed. Their anxiety and depression lifted almost immediately once they were able to view something in a different way. I realized there was real healing.”
Loftus had worked before with the Rev. David Simonetti and knew he’d led a men’s spirituality seminar with a football theme. “I said ‘Hey! What do you say we do this forgiveness thing with a golf theme?’ and he loved the idea.”
Fore-giveness: What Golf’s Got To Do With It, takes place 6 to 9 p.m. Oct. 27 at Water’s Edge Golf Club in Worth. The $10 registration fee includes appetizers, handouts, a tote bag, golf club pen and promotional items. A cash bar will be available. It’s open to adults 21 and older. Space is limited; sign up by Oct. 20 online at fore-giveness.com. Payment can be at the door in exact cash or via Zelle.
Loftus, who will act as emcee, will provide a practical guide to forgiveness and how to put it in action. PGA golf pro Kurt Uniek of the George W. Dunne Golf Course in Oak Forest will talk about improving golf scores by improving attitude. He has a bachelor’s degree in psychology and recently completed a seminar at a Catholic church’s men’s group on golf tips.
Marketing pro and golf amateur Robb Ross, who came up with the seminar’s title, will share stories from the business world, and Simonetti, a Catholic priest for 22 years and a self-described “hack” at golf, will talk about experiences from his ministry and personal life.
Like Loftus, Simonetti believes that forgiveness can have a physical effect.
“What goes on in the body affects the soul, and what goes on in the soul affects the body. With forgiveness, a lot of people are sick and they’re harboring resentment,” he said. “There was a priest, Fr. Aniello Salicone, who was a psychologist who was convinced that people’s lower back problems in many ways are due to things we have pushed in. They have to come out somewhere.”
Simonetti, who is on a six-month sabbatical but most recently served at St. Florian Parish in Chicago’s Hegewisch neighborhood (now called Christ Our Light), admitted that he has his own struggles with forgiveness and said the act requires divine help. “We don’t have the power to forgive on our own. We need grace.”
The act of forgiveness is important to his faith.
“Forgiveness is a Christian virtue,” he said. “On our own power, it’s not possible so we have to ask for help. But it is important for your own self because when someone does something gravely evil to you, our instinct is to get revenge and get even, and if you don’t let that go, you’ll be inhabited by the same demons the offender is.”
He emphasized that forgiveness doesn’t come easy to him, despite his profession.
“In my own life, I’ve been struggling with something for a couple of years with someone. … It’s the hardest thing that we really come upon. And the greater the preexisting bond that was when that bond was broken, the more severe the wound and the harder it is to heal,” Simonetti said.
“Ultimately, forgiveness is a grace, but you have to keep working on it because the feelings keep on coming up. You can’t act like nothing has happened.”
He said people often have the wrong idea about what forgiveness is. “Forgiveness and reconciliation are two different things. … It’s perhaps not possible on this earth to reconcile with someone.”
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Loftus, who is Catholic, said she’ll share a prayer formula during the seminar that she got from Monsignor Stephen Rosetti, a priest who is also a practicing psychologist: “I forgive (blank) from the bottom of my heart and I ask God to bless them.”
If necessary, participants can modify the prayer, saying “I am trying to forgive or I am working to forgive,” she said. “There is something transformative about saying those words.”
Loftus decided on a golf theme to encourage men to attend. A seminar she led last year at Gaelic Park in Oak Forest drew about 130 people, but it was 85% women. “My hope with a golf theme was to encourage the husbands – at least they’ll get tips from a pro about their game!” she said.
She hopes to videotape the session to show to people later for a nominal fee and wants to make it “a traveling show,” with another seminar already planned for this spring at Gaelic Park. “I would like to offer it at different church, libraries – whoever would be willing to have us – and not charge us a lot of money.” She’s already working with a writing coach to create a book.
The seminar’s location has personal meaning for Loftus, as it’s connected to her father, Edward Schmitt, who lived right on the Cal-Sag Channel in Palos Park. “He used to shoot golf balls over the channel. He’d go to driving ranges and get the really cheap used balls for a nickel. Water’s Edge is maybe a mile or so down the channel from where my dad was and the date is a couple of days before his birthday. I will be doing a little tribute to my dad,” Loftus said.
Melinda Moore is a freelance reporter for the Daily Southtown.