“Ask Anna” is a sex column. Because of the nature of the topic, some columns contain language some readers may find graphic.
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Dear Anna,
I recently dove back into the world of online dating after being in a long-term relationship for the last six years. It feels like a whole new world to explore, which is overwhelming in itself, but I’m more concerned and uncertain about some boundaries and etiquettes concerning sharing and requesting personal content.
In fact, a couple of weeks ago, I shared a picture that a match had sent me with my friend — it wasn’t a nude or anything, but it was a sexy pose, and she was pretty pissed that I showed the picture to my friend, even though I was bragging about her! I was completely taken aback — I meant it in good will, and I thought it would be no big deal.
When I apologized, she mentioned “digital consent,” and I’m not entirely sure what that encompasses. I want to respect people’s boundaries and make my online dating experience positive for both me and my matches. Please help me understand digital consent and the best practices so I can navigate the online dating scene confidently and respectfully. — Treading Lines Carefully
Dear TLC,
Firstly, I want to commend you for acknowledging the importance of consent in your online interactions. In recognizing that you need to tread more carefully, you’ve taken the first essential step towards creating a considerate, respectful and mutual online dating experience.
Like IRL consent, the waters of digital consent can indeed be murky, especially when you’re fresh (or freshly back) to the online dating scene. But learning to navigate them is not just beneficial — it’s absolutely crucial.
Digital consent, much like consent in the physical world, involves clear, informed and voluntary agreement to participate in certain interactions. This could range from sharing photographs, social media posts or sensitive information (like a story, a trauma, a medical health issue or mental health issue, etc.), and even referencing another person’s information in a joking manner. It’s about ensuring the person on the other end feels comfortable and respected at all stages of your interaction.
I’ll admit that I’ve mucked this up in the past — I’ve shared photos online of friends who got upset with me for doing so without asking, and I once angered a partner by sharing a story about her life that she didn’t want others (even my friend) to know about. It’s not a fun feeling to find out you’ve walked across someone’s boundary — even if it was an accident — but sometimes you have to trip over something in order to know it’s there, so you don’t do it again.
The incident you mentioned, sharing a match’s personal photo with a friend, is quite common. And while another person might not care at all, your match did, so it’s important not to assume that what’s commonplace is always OK.
Remember, too, that even though you meant no harm, impact often carries more weight than intent, which is why it’s essential to be extra cautious when navigating digital interactions.
Going forward, here’s a road map to help you construct safer online interactions:
Check your intentions: Before sharing something personal or potentially sensitive, ask yourself if you’ve sufficiently established a level of trust and comfort first. Is this something that you believe will enhance your connection, or could it potentially cross a boundary?
Be open about your intentions: If you’re unsure about how a share, post or reference might land, it’s safer to simplify or clarify your intent upfront.
Ask directly: If you wish to share something personal or want to know more about them, explicitly ask for their consent. This could be saying, “I’d love to share a photo of you with my bestie, would you be comfortable with that?”
Be open to feedback: If someone says that you’ve crossed a boundary, apologize (like you did) and strive to learn from it. Your willingness to listen and learn will speak volumes about your respect for others.
Above all, creating a space where both parties feel respected and at ease brings out our most authentic selves. It allows us to unravel the incredible richness, diversity and nuances of human connection.
Every misstep teaches us something valuable, leading us one step closer to that genuine spark. Good luck, TLC. Keep chasing waterfalls.
Anna Pulley is a syndicated Tribune Content Agency columnist answering reader questions about love, sex and dating. Send your questions via email (anonymity guaranteed) to [email protected], sign up for her infrequent (yet amazing) newsletter or check out her books
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