Dear Eric: I have been divorced for 39 years. I am 70 years old. Sporadically I pursue dates through apps. I always end up fed up and then I do not pursue the apps and therefore do not date for a while.
In the last couple years, I have joined the apps again. I know I am an open-minded person. However, recently the men who I have reached out to and have started communication with will immediately, for example, after one day of messaging back and forth, start informing me what they like to do to women and or what they like done to them sexually.
That would be fine in a week or two and/or after a couple dates but within 24 hours of messaging, I feel dumbfounded and feel maybe I need to be a little more lenient and open-minded in this area.
I just think it’s too much too soon. I know it has always been said that men think of sex a lot more than women, however, I just find it surprising that at their ages, their mind is still approaching the topic so soon. Please advise if I am overreacting.
– Dating Dilemma
Dear Dating: You are not overreacting at all. For some people, these kinds of conversations early in a dating app conversation would be no problem. But they do pose a problem for you and that’s important. You don’t have to change your ways or engage in conversations that make you uncomfortable.
If you encounter a man who does this and you decide you want to give him another chance, you can always tell him, “this line of conversation has gotten too intimate for now. Can we reset?” Ideally, he would recognize where he went wrong and course correct.
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But the fact that these men are jumping right to sex talk without any indication on your end that’s welcome indicates they just might not be matches. There are a lot of fish in the sea. It might stress you less to just unmatch and move on to someone else or even look into apps that place a few more steps between matching and conversation.
Dear Eric: My husband is one of three brothers and a sister. Their mother died when they were young. When their dad passed the youngest brother professed the need for us all to stay in touch.
This brother and his wife live 15 minutes from the other brothers, but they never reach out. They attend some family gatherings but never suggest a get-together or even call to check in.
When their sister passed away there were two memorials. They attended the first one but ghosted everyone for the second one. Emails and text messages were sent in advance. The messages were “read.” My husband even called his brother that day with no answer. No call back.
Recently we decided to get together for lunch. We texted them and again the message was “read” but we got no response.
We had to learn of a death in the wife’s family by reading it in the local newspaper and of her hospitalization from her social media post. I understand privacy when you’re sick, but a brief message would have been appreciated. Instead, we see a social media post saying, “as most of you know I spent my birthday in the hospital….”
I’m offended by their disrespect for the family. My feelings are hurt for their sister and her kids.
The brothers brush it off so why am I upset? Am I unjustified?
– Sensitive Sister-in-Law
Dear Sister-in-Law: You’re part of this family, too, so you’re not totally off base. But it does seem that your husband and his brothers have reached a point of accepting their youngest sibling’s style of communication and ability to show up (or lack thereof). There may be other reasons for this behavior on his part, rooted in his background. Or your husband and his brothers simply may not put as much stock in family connectedness.
All of that is fine for them. But if it bothers you, it’s worth working through. There isn’t a way for the brother to go back and attend the second memorial, so while your feelings are hurt on behalf of the sister’s kids, it may be best to redirect your energies to showing up for them wherever they are in their grieving process.
Think about what you want from this brother and his wife. An apology? A change in behavior? And then consider, based on past instances, whether this is something they’re likely to provide.
You may be justified in being upset, and you could say something to them if you want. But your time may be better spent cultivating relationships with the people who do show up for the rest of the family.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)