“Ask Anna” is a sex column. Because of the nature of the topic, some columns contain language some readers may find graphic.
Dear Anna,
I’m a mom in my 40s with two wonderful children, ages 10 and 13. Recently, I’ve started dating a man who seems great on paper — he’s kind, attentive and we get along just fine. However, my kids have expressed that they don’t like him and they don’t want to spend time with him. I don’t want to choose between my children’s happiness and my dating life, but I also think it’s important for me to have a partner. How can I navigate this situation and find a balance? Should I consider ending the relationship if my kids continue to dislike him, or is there a way to help them warm up to him? Looking forward to your advice. — Conflicted Mom In Her Forties
Dear CMIHF,
Mom-ing while dating requires a delicate balancing act. On the one hand, you are your own person and you deserve to live your life in the ways that make you happy and fulfilled, including having romantic partnerships. On the other, many parents view their relationships with their kids as sacrosanct, as the ultimate bond, worth cherishing and nourishing above all else.
As the poet Kahlil Gibran once said, “Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.”
So, what can you do when your kids don’t like your partner? What are your responsibilities to them as you navigate the world of dating? What are your responsibilities to your own heart? And when the two don’t align, how do you reconcile these conflicting desires?
The first thing is to listen to your children’s concerns, which you might be doing already, though you didn’t elaborate here. What are their actual gripes about your partner? Are they valid? Is he rude or standoffish? Does he ignore them completely? Are the complaints something that can be addressed? If they are, then bring this up with your partner and give him a chance to course-correct. If the complaints are more vague or slippery, a la “I just don’t like him,” then, still listen to their concerns and let them have their feelings, but know that further considerations or time might be needed.
(That said, if your kids don’t like this guy because his behavior toward them is unsavory or unkind, don’t ignore those signs. Prioritize their safety, health and well-being.)
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If this is your first foray into dating or it’s been a while, your children may need time to adjust to the idea of you dating someone new. They might not like anyone you date, regardless of how swell he is on paper (or in person). Be patient with them and give them the space they need to process their emotions. Don’t force prolonged interactions. Work your way up to more togetherness to give them time to warm up to him.
After listening to their concerns and giving them some space, it’s time to set boundaries. Let your kids know that you value their opinions and that their well-being is important to you. Then, let them know that you get the final say when it comes to your love life.
Remind them that a big part of loving, healthy relationships — all kinds — is the ability to respect others’ decisions about their lives and their happiness, even if other people don’t like it or understand it.
You might tie in a story from their lives to bring this point home. For instance, when I was a kid, my mom used to buy me dresses. I hated wearing dresses and eventually rebelled. She listened (thankfully!) and respected my autonomy, telling me I didn’t have to wear something that made me feel uncomfortable. In a similar vein, your kids may not like those you date or understand why you’re dating at all, but part of loving and respecting someone means giving them the space to make their own happiness and their own decisions.
Remind them that loving someone means you want them to be happy, too.
Relationships are only ever complex. If you try all of the above and the situation doesn’t improve or becomes too difficult to handle, consider seeking the help of a family therapist or counselor. They can provide you with strategies for managing the situation and improving communication within your family.
Remember, navigating the complex dynamics of dating as a parent can feel impossible at times, but with patience, understanding and open communication, you can usually find a way to make it work for everyone involved.
Anna Pulley is a syndicated Tribune Content Agency columnist answering reader questions about love, sex and dating. Send your questions via email (anonymity guaranteed) to [email protected], sign up for her infrequent (yet amazing) newsletter or check out her books!