Dear Sal: Father’s Day 2021. We came. We celebrated. We blew it.
My siblings and I love our Dad, but on Father’s Day, we couldn’t help ourselves. Each of us fell into the trap of introducing upsetting topics.
Are we the only ones who struggle to balance a genuine show of filial love with an increasingly urgent sense of filial concern?
Signed,
Offending Offspring
Dear Offenders: So you guys did not go gentle into that good celebration? Tsk-tsk.
Though it’s come and gone, Father’s Day marks the single day meant to give those aging patriarchs a break. That leaves 364 days to broach what I like to call the loving land mines.
A survey among friends lucky enough to claim octogenarian or nonagenarian parents provided a long list of these land mines.
On Father’s Day? Skip the filial concern. Otherwise? Bring up the land mines, but tread lovingly.
Land mine #1: Should you still be driving?
Driving’s akin to independence, and last time I checked, no one’s ever decided, for the safety of themselves and others, they’d surrender it willingly.
Years ago, my grandfather would meet us at the airport. Tethered to his portable oxygen tank, he’d give us an over-the-shoulder wink as he pulled his smoky orange Oldsmobile into traffic.
“Don’t know why people are so impatient,” he’d say in response to the honks from other drivers. “I’ve still got full vision in the right eye.”
When to take away the keys? The very suggestion is explosive.
Land mine #2: Should you be eating that?
There’s a delicate balance between clogged arteries and inevitable mortality. Put another way, when I’m 85, and I want another slice of cake, get out of my way.
And yet, how is a concerned child meant to sit idly by as a beloved parent eats the skin off his third piece of fried chicken while discarding the meat?
When to admonish their diet? I’ve talked myself into never.
Land mine #3: Are you sleeping well?
Several friends have shared the disquieting experience of having a parent, fully engaged in conversation, nod-off mid-sentence. Worse still is watching them wake-up with enough energy to deny they ever dozed.
Either a parent’s been up since dawn, or didn’t get to sleep until late, or woke up so frequently a full REM cycle never had a chance.
This is a tough one. It’s hard to sleep when everything aches.
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When is suggesting naptime a good idea? Right after lunch.
Land mine #4: Did you do your exercises today?
Physical therapy is the new group exercise class for the over-80 set.
Show me an octogenarian, and I’ll show you someone who’s supposed to be walking, bending, or balancing.
When to ask if they’re moving their bodies? Whenever they ask you to get something for them.
Land mine #5: What are you reading?
The good news? Most of the older folks I know are reading.
The bad news? They can’t remember the title, the author, or the subject.
The worst news? I’m the same way. Hard pass on this land mine.
Sally Schwartz is a freelance columnist.