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The person who …
buys her German
shepherd a puzzle treat
will be the kind of parent who …
gets angry with her daughter
for choosing a gap year.
The person who …
virtue-signals about
rescuing a pit bull
will be the kind of parent who …
struggles with his biological
child’s white privilege.
The person who …
lets her terrier pee
on the rug
will be the kind of parent who …
lets her kids throw keggers
because “If they’re going
to drink, I’d rather they do
it in the house.”
The person who …
Instagrams his labradoodle
will be the kind of parent who …
ignores his child and continues
Instagramming his labradoodle.
The person who …
pushes her dog in a stroller
will be the kind of parent who …
breastfeeds until her son
reaches boob-height
without a stool.
The person who …
lets his shih tzu poop
on the lawn marked
“Please Respect Grass”
will be the kind of parent who …
allows his baby to beat
silverware to “Baby Shark”
videos while dining at Alinea.
The person who …
knits sweaters for her
three Jack Russells
will be the kind of parent who …
already looks forward to
grandchildren when her
first baby is born.
The person who …
gives her whippet CBD
will be the kind of parent who …
uses oils instead of vaccines.
The person who …
buys a noisy,
deranged Chihuahua
will be the kind of parent who …
drinks wine from an
insulated tumbler during her
2-year-old’s birthday party
at a trampoline studio.
Illustrations by Colin Hayes
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