“For being in love is to be relieved of gravity.” – Gordon Sumner
Like most all of us, Jim Brumfield has made his share of mistakes and miscues with romantic relationships.
The 63-year-old divorcee from Valparaiso wishes he did some things differently in his younger years. Who doesn’t when it comes to love and matters of the heart? I could write a book on this subject.
“Had I someone to lead me down the proper path years ago, I may not have ended up the route I did,” Brumfield told me. “This should be a topic that’s discussed openly.”
He’s right, but it’s a topic not discussed openly enough, we both agreed. Why? Deeply hurt feelings, lingering fears of rejection, bitterness from ugly breakups, all this keeps us from sharing our painful lessons with each other in a healthy, productive way.
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Instead we habitually whisper unkind comments to our friends or co-workers about our former lovers or companions. Or we openly trash talk our ex-wife or ex-husband whenever their name comes up. Or we childishly start rumors about them. Sound familiar?
I’m sure I’ve been trash-talked more than I’d like to know, but that’s how it goes. At this point in my life, I’ve learned that the opposite of romantic love is not hate, it’s apathy. It’s indifference. It’s a nostalgic shrug.
When I wrote on my social media sites about this hard-learned lesson, among other ones, Brumfield suggested I host a public gathering to share such stories, anecdotes and examples.
“Would you be interested in hosting a workshop that could possibly be beneficial to a lot of guys who are searching for the woman of our dreams, but who don’t want to screw it up again?” Brumfield asked. “I’m interested in what you learned from prior failures.”
I told Brumfield that although I’ve hosted dozens of public gatherings over the past 15 years, I’ve never done one on romantic relationships. So I first wanted to put it out there on social media to see if there would be an interest by readers and followers.
“I’m game!” commented Patti M.
“I would be interested,” wrote Cynthia R.
“Me too,” added Yvonne W.
“It’s nice to see that there are a few men who want to learn and try,” noted Catherine S.
More than three dozen readers, from Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and LinkedIn, expressed interest in attending such a gathering. Mostly women. A few men, too.
“You helped inspire me, and I am now engaged to the woman I am certain I was meant to be with,” wrote Mike, a former colleague.
I had no idea about this wonderful news until he told me. I’ve also learned that love is sometimes kept in the shadows of our lives until we feel confident enough, or dizzy enough, to make such a bold announcement. I was the same way with my lady.
I often tell her that she is the beneficiary of all my screw-ups in earlier relationships. In turn, she tells me the same thing regarding how she treats me. Truth is, we’re both too old to not fully appreciate each other, and too experienced to pretend we don’t know we’ve captured lightning in a bottle.
For those couples who’ve been together (and happy) for decades, mazel to you. But for the rest of us, romantic relationships can be a confusing or confounding maze of dead-ends or disappointments.
“The meeting part seems to be the trouble for me,” Susan V. said. “I work all the time, don’t go to bars, don’t have any hobbies, and don’t do online sites. It’s not easy.”
“I try to keep an open mind at the grocery store – (he) looks nice, dresses nice, looks to have his teeth, doesn’t have a cart of junk food or baby food – but that’s not working,” she said. “Do men really WANT to be dating us, or just bro-mances?”
It’s a fair question. I’m routinely surprised by the lack of interest or eagerness with single men when it comes to dating women. It’s as if they’ve thrown in the towel, although it’s only in the early rounds of the bout. Too many guys are all talk and little action.
“There is nothing more disheartening to me than to witness a man degrade a woman with (derogatory) names,” one woman told me. “Word of the day is chivalry… learn it boys so you could grow up to be men.”
Much about romantic relationships is about attitude, I’ve learned. Or, should I say, not having an attitude against them. For instance, how many of you read the quote at the top of my column (written by Sting, by the way) and cynically rolled your eyes?
I understand. I’ve been skeptical, too.
Fear gets in the way of love. Fear of rejection. Fear of failure. Fear of repeating the same mistakes from previous relationships. Fear may protect our heart from getting broken again but it does little to set our heart on fire again.
This, in part, is what I will be talking about at my public gathering, which I’m calling “Love Lessons,” thanks to Brumfield. I’m inviting any hopeless romantics or hopeful lovers who may be interested in sharing their thoughts, feelings or experiences.
We will gather at 2 p.m. Feb. 10, (a Saturday), at the Lake County Public Library on U.S. 30 in Merrillville, which has generously offered us a meeting room. And yes, we purposely scheduled it just before Valentine’s Day on Feb. 14.
It will fun, informal and hopefully helpful for men and women alike, whether you’re seeking a fun romance, serious love, or simply to reenergize an ongoing relationship. Couples are welcome too.
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Who knows, lightning may just strike between two attendees. Stranger things have happened.
Twitter@jdavich