Keeping quiet about it isn’t working — we need to talk about the reality of suicide in our community
I mean really talk. We need to share our grief and our anger and our frustration and our sorrow. We need to tell our kids we’re afraid and upset — and why.
We need to listen to what our kids say to us, no matter how uncomfortable it makes us, no matter how they say it.
After all, this is life and death.
When I heard about another suspected suicide of a Naperville high school student, I felt deep sorrow and a sense of helplessness. I had heartfelt compassion for the family and, because I’m being completely honest here, a small sense of relief that it was not my own.
That relief didn’t last long, though: None of us are immune.
Mostly I felt rage, an overwhelming rage that this may have happened again in a community still reeling from other suspected suicides. I am frustrated that despite a lawsuit against the school district and the police department, an online petition pushing for changes to a culture that some say holds students to impossible standards, and parents appealing to the school board for policy changes, we’re once again trying to understand something that just doesn’t make sense.
What are we doing wrong? Why can’t we fix this?
I cycled through those emotions within just a few minutes of receiving an email from the school district. By the time a friend arrived at my door half an hour later to pick up her daughter, I was already moving toward defensiveness.
“Were there any signs he was depressed?” I asked her, our voices low so our daughters wouldn’t hear. “Was he in some kind of trouble at school?”
I’m sure I was asking the same questions some of you might have asked, questions that sought some sort of explanation for something that is truly inexplicable. But I’m ashamed to think I might have sounded like I was trying to assign blame to something or someone for what was a senseless tragedy.
But that’s what we do, isn’t it?
We quickly put some padding around our hearts. Was the child bullied? Depressed? Under pressure to achieve perfection? Mentally ill? In trouble at home or at school? Were there signs someone could have picked up on?
Truly, though, the answer to that last question often is no. Therapists tell us, in fact, that often someone who has decided on suicide will seem calmer, almost happy, in the days after reaching the decision. Then again, teenagers tend to be less rational and to operate more rashly than adults. So what are we to do with that information?
I’ve experienced suicides and mental illnesses among family and friends, and the only thing I know for sure is that whenever anyone even mentions the thought of suicide, we must take it seriously and seek help. While we might be able to take a wide view of a situation and imagine a future beyond current pain, someone who is mentally ill or a struggling teenager sometimes cannot.
For their part, district officials seemed to respond strongly and quickly, alerting parents of the most recent incident and and having a plan for letting kids talk about it at school.
“The death of a peer may affect students in a variety of ways, depending upon their prior experiences with death and loss,” a letter from the student’s school principal said. “This is an important time to listen to your son/daughter intently. If your child needs to talk, answer their questions simply, honestly and repeatedly, if necessary.”
That statement resonated with me because my early instinct was to try to shield my child from this news. Not only would that have been impossible, of course, but it would have been exactly the wrong thing to do. Better to talk with her openly and honestly now and keep doing it as she grows rather than – God forbid – have to figure out how to start that conversation because the unthinkable has hit closer to home.
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Likewise, my friend and her son got together with other friends from their neighborhood to talk openly and honestly so the kids and parents could understand each other’s pain and how they might prevent another tragedy.
That old saying is right – it takes a village to raise a child. In Naperville, our village is not just other parents or friends, but also teachers, church members, scout leaders, business owners, coaches and neighbors.
That’s you and me.
Let’s all concentrate on listening – really listening – to each other. No matter what.
Susan Keaton is a freelance columnist who lives in Naperville.