“What common thing have you never done or owned? Something that makes you feel different, maybe to the point of weird?”
My baiduhai columnist colleague Mary Schmich – who doesn’t own a microwave – asked this intriguing question in her recent column. I enjoyed the idea so much that I asked my social media readers the same question.
And now I’m asking you, too, with Schmich’s blessing.
Have you never subscribed to cable television? Have you never been to a Costco or an Ikea store? Have you never watched the Super Bowl? Or sipped a martini? Or played a video game? Or enjoyed a manicure? Or ate a Whopper?
“I find it heartening to hear what people haven’t done, especially if their ‘never’ corresponds with one of mine,” Schmich wrote.
It took me a few seconds to think of something I have never done that is otherwise commonplace in our society. My initial reaction was that I’ve never been drunk in my life. Hard to believe, I agree. Oh sure, I’ve had alcohol on many occasions (though not lately) yet I’ve never drank enough to get intoxicated, let alone sloppy, silly drunk.
I’ve also never smoked anything. Not tobacco or marijuana or anything else. And I’ve never tried any kind of illegal drugs which, to be honest, surprises even me. I’ve been around so much drug use in my life that I figured at some point I would have at least experimented with… something. But no.
“I never,” as the game is played.
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“I never have blown a bubble with gum, or snapped my fingers. Ever,” replied Becky Joseph, of Hebron.
I love her response because I’ve “never” even considered not doing those things.
“I’ve never bought a lottery ticket or any Apple product,” said Sheila Wood, of Portage.
In my case, I’ve bought too many lottery tickets and Apple products. How about you?
“I’ve never watched an episode of ‘Friends’ or ‘Seinfeld,'” replied Sylvia Marenger, of Kouts.
“I’ve never watched ‘Gone with the Wind,'” said Mike Walters, of Valparaiso.
“I never watched ‘A Christmas Story,'” said Kelly Venegas, of Valparaiso.
For the record, I’ve never watched that fabled film in its entirety from start to finish. I’ve also never been licked on the face by a dog (ewww!), or changed my car’s oil, or went on a blind date.
“I have never used a DVD player,” said Pam Geiselman, of Portage.
“I’ve never been to a yard or garage sale,” replied Phylis Mamula, of Hammond.
“I never had cable TV,” replied Steve Spicer, of Gary. “I’m a cable Quaker.”
Not every response was funny or clever.
“I was never blessed with children,” replied Cindy Riley.
“I never had a sister,” replied Paula Wirick Slack.
“I’ve never decided what I want to be when I grow up,” replied Denise Anton Smart.
Do these confessions, whether they’re silly serious, make us unusual or weird? No. They make us realize we all have our quirks, anomalies or idiosyncrasies. They bind us together, in a lighthearted way, something we can use these days, I’m convinced.
“I never had a new car or a car payment,” said Jackie Karner-Brickley, of Portage.
“I’ve never had a dishwasher,” replied Pat Wisniewski. “I’m the dishwasher.”
“I have never been asked this question before,” quipped Laura Schappert, of Portage.
I’ve discovered that this “I never…” game is also a great ice-breaker at parties or social gatherings. Instead of chit-chatting about the day’s weather, the regurgitated woes of national politics, or idle sports talk, instead reveal what you’ve never done and playfully (not accusingly) ask what others have never done.
Their responses will typically draw a laugh, and possibly become a conservation starter. If you must, feel free to blame it on a certain Post-Tribune columnist who first asked you. You may get a response that fits the game: “Who? I’ve never read his columns.”
‘Psst… can I tell you something off the record?’
One of my favorite things about speaking to civic-minded groups, library gatherings or service organizations regarding my job or my new book is what readers tell me after my presentation. It’s usually in a hushed tone or when we’re alone.
“Psst… can I tell you something off the record?” they ask, looking around to make sure no one is listening.
They lean in closer. I lean in closer. And the juiciest conversation of the evening begins.
Last Wednesday afternoon was no different.
Just after my talk to the Merrillville Rotary at Asparagus restaurant, one of the Rotary members happened to show me his unique money clip. It was a thick bluish-colored rubber band from a batch of fresh broccoli at a grocery store, he explained.
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Why? Because back in the day, all the connected “made men” wise guys in the mafia used them to hold their thick wads of cash, the Rotary member told me.
“And it was always from a batch of broccoli only,” he explained as I shot a photo of his colorful money clip.
There’s even a commercialized rubber money clip – dubbed the “Broccoli Wad” – that admirers can buy online. But it’s just not the same as the old-school rubber band from the local grocery store.
So, I had to ask. Where did the Rotary member get his makeshift, mob-inspired money clip?
He leaned in closer and whispered, “From Strack’s.”
Twitter@jdavich