I have the pesky girl-problem of falling in love too fast with all the guys I sleep with. I’d like this to stop. What can I do, other than not have sex? Should I wait longer before doing the deed? Should we not cuddle? I’m at a loss here! Thank you.
—Love Junkie
Dear LJ,
Ah yes, the terrible nightmare monster society calls cuddling. YOU MUST STOP THAT AT ONCE. And don’t even think about petting any puppies.
You’re probably conflating cuddling with the common description for oxytocin, the happy, heady neurochemical that is released during a variety of activities and circumstances, though it most commonly gets pegged to sex and bonding, which is why it’s called the “cuddle hormone” or the “love hormone.” Scientists still don’t know a ton about what role oxytocin plays in our brain chemistry, but it has been found to potentially be involved in labor contractions; deep discussions; playing with animals; hugs; breastfeeding; autism; sexual arousal, activity and orgasm; altruism; general social interactions; and even just by being around the color blue. (For more oxytocin myths, check out Heather Corinna’s terrific piece at Scarleteen.)
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This is a rather long-winded way of saying, it’s not the cuddling.
I’d also like to take a brief moment and say this isn’t just a “girl problem.” Plenty of people of all gender stripes develop emotional attachments to others in ways that society might deem “too fast.” But who is to say what’s too fast in a relationship? Only you and the people you’re in relationships with.
That said, it seems to me like the underlying issue is not that you have sex with guys you like and develop feelings for them (because that’s pretty darn human and natural), but how those feelings then manifest in behaviors that you are perhaps not fond of, and neither are your gentlemen callers. Those behaviors are what you need to focus on. What they are, I’m not sure. Maybe once you sleep with someone, you start texting them all day. Maybe you blurt out an unexpected “I love you!” when you orgasm. Maybe you doodle Love Junkie + Dream Guy on your Lisa Frank folder and cover it with glittery hearts and rainbows and he finds it in your locker and you are SO EMBARRASSED.
Or maybe it’s in your head. Maybe you PERCEIVE that your love-feelings are weirding out your partners, and society has told you that “too-fast feelings” are BAD and scare people off, and so you feel bad and write to advice columnists about how you can be GOOD.
Regardless, I think an attitude shift is in order. It’s OK to like the people you sleep with! It’s preferable even. (Sex with people you don’t like leads to shame, hurt feelings and a lot of unnecessary laundry.) If you’re feeling like you need to turn down the intensity of the feelings you have for your sex partners, examine what behaviors are getting pushback and adjust accordingly.
A reality shift might also be in order. If, for instance, you are falling for people you barely know, it might help to remember that we are all spectacularly flawed—you just don’t know yet what kind of flaws Dream Guy is hiding, because, well, you don’t know him well. For more on this, check out my previous column on how to approach sex and dating more casually.
Good luck!
Anna Pulley is a RedEye contributor. Got a question of your own? Email [email protected]. Or let her send you overly personal emails here.