Dear Anna: I’m a 20-year-old male and I believe I’m heterosexual, but every once in a while I seem to have homosexual urges. I masturbate to the thought of being with other men and even talk to other men about it on different apps, but whenever an actual opportunity comes up I chicken out. What’s wrong with me?
—Please Help
Dear PH,
I was 20 years old when I realized I was attracted to women. This came as quite a surprise to my friends and family, but the most shocked person was me. In fact, my body conflicted spectacularly with this realization. I would kiss women and become physically ill. I had panic attacks. And one time I even threw up. All of which was super-erotic to my early girlfriends, as you can imagine.
Later, I figured out these were unfortunate by-products (bi-products?) of my own internalized homophobia, which is the negative beliefs we’ve taken into our bodies (sometimes unconsciously) about people who aren’t straight, and come from our culture, our families, friends, sometimes our churches, from TV shows, books and movies, and so on. It took years of self-reflection, experimentation, sex, fights, discussions, therapy and more self-reflection before I felt comfortable with my particular brand of sexuality. It might be a process for you too, PH.
The most pressing thing I can tell you is this: Nothing is wrong with you. The only person you are obligated to be is who you are. Maybe you’re a mostly heterosexual dude who has occasional homosexual urges. Maybe you’re a straight guy who likes watching gay porn. Maybe you’re bisexual. Maybe you want to experiment with guys but you’re not ready. Maybe you never will be. Or maybe you are ready, but you’re terrified of what acting on those urges will mean, if it will change some fundamental part of yourself.
I encourage you, as much as you can, to sit in that uncomfortable space of not knowing, in the uncertainty you feel, and not to let yourself be crushed by it. Let yourself be OK with the not-knowing. There’s freedom in that. It’s hard to see it because we are often clinging so hard to ideas about ourselves that are no longer true. I urge you to find out what happens when you let go.
Sometimes it takes a while for our bodies and minds to catch up to each other. Remember, also, that you’re allowed to change your mind. You’re allowed to be contradictory and to contain multitudes and to watch porn that doesn’t align with your perceived sexual orientation. That uncertainty makes some people uncomfortable, yes, but those people aren’t you, so they can go fuck themselves.
It might help you to find other guys like you (of which there are many). There are online forums like TrevorSpace and Meetup groups and Reddit threads and quizzes and lots of books if you’re into that.
But, really truly, PH, nothing is wrong with you. You’re a young man figuring his shit out, trying to make sense of the world and your place within it. We should all aspire to confront assumptions about ourselves like you are.
More Top Picks Best Pool Heaters
Stay curious. And let yourself be you.
Anna Pulley is a Redeye contributor. Got a question of your own? Email [email protected]. Or let her send you overly personal emails here.