Dear Anna,
I have recently discovered, to my shock and dismay, that I fell in love with a married man. I/we have not acted on it, but well, let’s just say I’m concerned I might. Please talk me out of doing something terrible I’ll surely regret. —Horrible Person
Dear HP,
You’re not horrible. You fell in love, an act that we rarely ever have much say in. Yes, it’s with a man who is unavailable, which is unfortunate, but you haven’t done anything about it. So first let’s put down the whips with which you are self-flagellating.
I’d be happy to tell you all the reasons why getting involved with a married man is probably not a decision that will boldly and joyously carry you forth into the direction of your best possible life, but I’m pretty confident you already know that it’s a bad idea. The words “shock,” “dismay,” “terrible” and “regret” were tip-offs.
So let’s instead just talk, as opposed to me talking you out of something you already know you don’t want to do. Come sit on my e-couch. Feel free to peruse one of these delightful RedEyes on the coffee table. Friday is my favorite edition.
Aside from practical solutions—spend less time with him (a lot less) until you can cool yourself down, don’t be alone with him, don’t consume more than two drinks in his presence—remember that life is only chaotic, a whirligig clusterfuck that relentlessly spits obstacles at us, and at the end of the day, the only thing you can ever control in life is you, as we discussed last week. “Would you have a great empire? Rule over yourself,” as Publius Syrus, a former Roman slave, put it.
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I realize this is easier said than done, but it’s not impossible. Name a single person who’s never in his or her life fallen for the wrong person. Name a person who’s never desired someone he or she wasn’t supposed to desire. We’ve all done it at some point—thrown caution to the wind and behaved rashly and foolishly in the face of monumental love feelings, even when we knew that what we were doing was ultimately hurting ourselves. We can’t help whom we fall for, but we can help how we act. And remember too that sometimes no action is the best action. The crazy-love feelings will fade, and if you don’t want to do something you’ll regret, you might just have to wait them out … at a safe distance.
Show yourself a little compassion first and foremost, and then, as you go about your days, try to keep the situation in perspective. Are you acting in accordance with the life you want for yourself? If not, what are you gonna do about it?
Everything we do matters. Every moment is a potential metamorphosis, a chance to do and be our best self. Are you up to the task?
Anna Pulley is a RedEye special contributor.