Dear Anna,
I am a guy who just recently fell in love with a girl who has kids. I know that my parents will be livid if they find out. What should I do? — Confused
Dear Confused,
Assuming you are at least 18 years of age and no longer live with your parents, tell them:
“Guess what, parents. I met an amazing woman and we are in love and she has children. I’m also a mature adult person who makes my own decisions, but because I love you both and want to share this good news with you, I am letting you know. Kthxbai.”
Dating a person with children is not without its potential pitfalls, of course—but then, so is dating a person without children. We’re all delightful bundles of neuroses! But some of us carry extra bundles that have sprung from their vaginas. It would have been helpful to know WHY you think your parents will be livid. My guesses are: They don’t think you’re responsible enough; they’re concerned that kids will be a drain on their/your resources; they can only love a grandchild that is 50 percent their DNA; or you have a full-time job wrestling bears. Is it any of those things?
Regardless, you are a mature adult person capable of making your own life choices. If your ‘rents are bankrolling those life choices, well, then I suppose they do have a right to be concerned. But it’s not reeeeeally any of their business. If it truly freaks you out, then wait until you are 130 percent sure the relationship is going somewhere before springing the offspring on them. And take that bear-wrestling job down to part-time status.
Dear Anna,
My first love got married last December. Prior to that, we were engaged for about a year and a half. It didn’t work out mainly because my parents didn’t accept him due to the difference in our religion. Also, tired of our stagnant relationship, he started to talk to other people. When I found out about it, I was hurt and outraged. He admitted to it and even told me he was seeing someone else and he saw himself marrying her. I moved out and moved on.
Or so I thought. I’m in a happy relationship right now with a really great guy. My ex has been trying to contact me, sending me messages—even before he got married. I didn’t reply to a single one of them. Did I mention he asked me to come back to him after we broke up? Which I didn’t do, out of fear of going through the same thing with him. I don’t regret anything about knowing him. My dilemma is whether to contact him. As strong as I’d like to think I am emotionally, I get nostalgic once in a while. Help! —Also Confused
Dear Also,
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Don’t contact him. Not just because he’s a cheating douche (though that definitely is a part of it!), but even from your brief letter I can tell that the grief is still stinging, the sutures not all binding. Ask yourself this: If you were to contact him, do you trust that he would completely respect his relationship and yours? Do you trust yourself? If the answer is even a little tiny bit “no,” then don’t go there. Spare yourself the Tilt-A-Whirl until you’re sure you can be steady in the face of emotional turbulence.
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