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1. Why were there no Hawks on the all-NHL first team?
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Evil Super Computer: That’s my bad. I was getting my hard drive cleaned that day. Won’t happen again. |
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Evan F. Moore: The Professional Hockey Writers Association and the NHL let one get through the five-hole. |
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Alex Quigley: They were too busy partying with the Cup. Ain’t nobody got time for that! |
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Jimmy Greenfield: It contained an FDA warning: *Do not add Stanley Cup champions.* |
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Bag Boy: Remember, it’s a Canadian sport. So messed up. |
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Evil Super Computer: … now Lovie’s going to pack his things and go. Tainted Lovie. |
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Evan F. Moore: He means, “I’m doing exactly what my future technological overlords say,” MWAHAHA! |
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Alex Quigley: He meant that he really needed to somehow make this PR nightmare worse. You did it! |
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Jimmy Greenfield: He meant you can’t spell “team” without “me.” |
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Bag Boy: he had to forget teammates, fans, and am entire city, and listen to his inner agent. |
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Evil Super Computer: They’re wasting their time. They need to speak only one language: Machine! |
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Evan F. Moore: The glaring lack of postseason success calls for it. |
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Alex Quigley: Those slot clubs have some pretty great perks. One time Jim Hendry got comped a buffet at the Grand Victoria. |
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Jimmy Greenfield: Oh (Yasiel Puig), I (Yasiel Puig) don’t (Yasiel Puig) have (Yasiel Puig) a clue. |
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Bag Boy: Hey! Have you seen our American talent? Worth a shot. |
4. The Sox don’t play at home again until after the All-Star break. How much will you miss them?
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Evil Super Computer: About as much as I miss forgetting to turn my fan on. |
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Evan F. Moore: Not much. And that’s coming from a longtime fan. |
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Alex Quigley: Who? |
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Jimmy Greenfield: Yasiel. |
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Bag Boy: It’s like when parents send their kids to camp. Everyone knows why (wink). |
5. Congratulate the Fire’s Mike Magee on being named MLS Player of the Month.
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Evil Super Computer: Way to go. But can you perform a zillion operations instantly like I can? Didn’t think so. |
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Evan F. Moore: Congratulations! Where can I get tickets? |
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Alex Quigley: Mike, how many bad “you’re on fireHAHAHAHAAA!” jokes have you heard? Want one more? |
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Jimmy Greenfield: Puig. |
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Bag Boy: Congratulations. Play any other sports that I might like? |