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1. How would you rate the Bulls-Heat rivalry right now?
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Tracy Swartz: The heat index would be on the Rose, er, rise with Derrick. |
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Phil Thompson: It’s like the Bulls are the last deep-fried Twinkie on Earth and the Heat are Paula Deen. |
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Evil Super Computer: Not as hot as the iPhone 5, but not as lame as the Zune. |
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Jimmy Greenfield: Without D-Rose? It’s like NIU-Florida State. |
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Bag Boy: On a scale of 1 to 100, about a 1. |
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Tracy Swartz: It will be the Real Housing of Atlanta. |
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Phil Thompson: Super Bowl organizers come to their senses: 15 minutes of game time; 60 minutes of Beyonce halftime show. |
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Evil Super Computer: Peyton Manning will conquer all, thanks to the cyborg implants in his neck. |
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Jimmy Greenfield: Jay Cutler will do better by not playing. |
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Bag Boy: Packers over the Vikes this weekend. |
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Tracy Swartz: Hibernating so he can still be around bears. |
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Phil Thompson: Justifying moving prolific Bills running back C.J. Spiller to wide receiver. |
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Evil Super Computer: Brushing up on bowing to his mechanical masters, if he’s smart. |
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Jimmy Greenfield: Molding men, much like Evil Super Computer does during his pottery class. |
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Bag Boy: He will be the brand-new coach of the Buffalo Bills. Best of luck, Lovie. |
4. Why does Minnesota’s Adrian Peterson want to play special teams?
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Tracy Swartz: He’s the AP. He wants to cover everything. |
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Phil Thompson: Because getting a 40-yard running start to truck some poor punter is on his NFL bucket list. |
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Evil Super Computer: He thinks he’s the Terminator. He’s not far off. |
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Jimmy Greenfield: If I played for the Vikings, I’d also want to hurt myself. |
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Bag Boy: Because he’s special! |
5. What does Steve Nash mean when he says the Lakers are “running out of time”?
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Tracy Swartz: They need to go back to the future and rePhil. |
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Phil Thompson: He and Kobe have shoes older than Jodie Meeks, so they need to get it together fast. |
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Evil Super Computer: Even a puny human like Steve Nash knows the machine takeover is near. MWAHAHAHA! |
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Jimmy Greenfield: On June 15, at precisely midnight, the Lakers will all turn into pumpkins. |
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Bag Boy: They’re old. Not Viagra old, but old. |