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1. What Chicago sports figure should do an interview with Oprah?

Tracy Swartz: Sammy Sosa. They could pop some corks together.

Julie DiCaro: Maury Buford. Obviously.

Soxman: Oprah launched a sports channel? Is there anything this woman can’t do?

Brad Zibung: They were on the winning team in 1865, which was way more important than some football game.

Ernest Wilkins: The Cubs front office. “We don’t care about you, give us your money. NOSTALGIA!”

2. Why would the Bears consider hiring a Canadian Football League coach?

Tracy Swartz: Continuity. They’ve been Eh for a very long time.

Julie DiCaro: Access to the all-important maple sugar supply during this historic shortage.

Soxman: Canada gave us Nickelback and Avril Lavigne. How could it fail? I kid. I kid.

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Brad Zibung: CFL fields are longer, so their coaches are especially adept at gaining yards on offense.

Ernest Wilkins: Because sometimes an Alouette is the best that you can get.

3. Which Blackhawk will benefit most from the shortened season?

Tracy Swartz: Patrick Kane has done well coming up short.

Julie DiCaro: Kaner. He’ll have to play fewer times hungover.

Soxman: No. 67 as Michael will have less time to Frolik around.

Brad Zibung: I’ve forgotten everything I know about the Blackhawks. Let me study their roster and get back to you.

Ernest Wilkins: Pierre Pilote. Mostly because he’s been dead since 1972.

4. How will the Bulls greet John Lucas III when they play Toronto on Wednesday?

Tracy Swartz: With a trap for JLIII, the only way to defeat a Raptor, according to JPIII.

Julie DiCaro: By asking him to autograph a poster from “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.”

Soxman: I’d make a Jurassic Park Raptors joke, but Spielberg, not Lucas, made that movie, right?

Brad Zibung: Some might actually recognize him!

Ernest Wilkins: “No autographs, kid. Oh wait …”

5. If interpreters are allowed to visit the mound in Major League Baseball …

Tracy Swartz: … then finally someone will be able to explain the Cubs.

Julie DiCaro: … the Cubs need to hire Pedro Martinez as their “interpreter.”

Soxman: … then I’m ordering Alabamian from Rosetta Stone to be a lock for Jake Peavy’s interpreter job.

Brad Zibung: … there will finally be no problems left for Bud Selig to solve, so maybe he’ll finally retire.

Ernest Wilkins: … then pitchers will act like twins and make up their own language.