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1. Console Notre Dame after its loss in the BCS National Championship game.

Tracy Swartz: Well, it wasn’t a happy ending, just an NDing.

Julie DiCaro: No. And you can’t make me.

Soxman: “I bet you more people will remember Katherine Webb than the final score. Chin up!”

Brad Zibung: They were on the winning team in 1865, which was way more important than some football game.

Ernest Wilkins: Well, I donated $10 by texting “Irish” to 90999 to aid in that disaster. That help?

2. If Jon Bon Jovi is a Notre Dame fan …

Tracy Swartz: … he’ll have to “Keep the Faith.”

Julie DiCaro: … my 13-year-old self weeps.

Soxman: … then their loss must’ve been bad medicine for him, a real shot to the heart.

Brad Zibung: … it all makes perfect sense.

Ernest Wilkins: … then the best possible joke has already been made.

3. What do the Bulls mean when they say D-Rose is “right on schedule”?

Tracy Swartz: He’s ready to come back from break.

Julie DiCaro: He’s right on schedule to break our hearts by returning after it’s too late to save the season.

Soxman: His availability down the stretch is all a matter of “kneed.”

Brad Zibung: They planned for his knee injury all along so he could be the part of the biggest comeback story of all time?

Ernest Wilkins: They’re squeezing the small coal of hope Bulls fans have until it’s a diamond of anxiety.

4. Why is Jerry Reinsdorf on the Basketball Hall of Fame ballot?

Tracy Swartz: He owns the court.

Julie DiCaro: Jerry plays a mean game of H.O.R.S.E.

Soxman: Six NBA championships aside, even the basketball gods are White Sox fans.

Brad Zibung: It’s not as a candidate. It’s as “Jerry Reinsdorf, Inc.” because his multinational corporation of evil prints ballots.

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Ernest Wilkins: Because of SIX RINGS IN EIGHT YEARS, THAT’S WHY. Sorry, I’ve been stressed recently.

5. Why are the Bears interviewing so many offensive coordinators?

Tracy Swartz: They could use a long line.

Julie DiCaro: Hopefully, because they’ll be replacing Lovie AND his latest meathead OC. Looking at you, Tice.

Soxman: They’re using all the intel gathered to develop a super playbook for Mike Singletary.

Brad Zibung: They want Mike Tice to feel really special when they decide to give him a lifetime contract extension.

Ernest Wilkins: It’s like when your roommate keeps stealing your food; you need to address the problem at hand.