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1. Why is Joakim Noah having such a good season?

Brian Moore: Courvoisier and weed?

Matt Pais: The man’s effort should not be questioned, only praised. And given a towel.

Jane Monzures: It’s the hair, like Samson in the Bible; I heard they’re distant cousins.

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Kat Velez: Because someone has to be.

Kate Bernot: Without D-Rose, someone has to.

2. Why are the Lakers having such a bad season?

Brian Moore: Kobe’s on the verge of joining AARP, what do you expect?

Matt Pais: Besides for coaching and personnel problems? Who cares; it’s awesome.

Jane Monzures: Their zen has left the building.

Kat Velez: On the court and off the court, it’s the same reason: too many turnovers.

Kate Bernot: Karma. (Not to be confused with Metta World Peace.)

3. What is Jay Cutler’s New Year’s resolution?

Brian Moore: Reclaim the title of “most hated Bear” from Brian “Doesn’t Care About Fans” Urlacher.

Matt Pais: To tell New Year’s to shut up because he doesn’t care about anything.

Jane Monzures: Like a lot of people, to quit smoking. Those photos on the Internet were real, right?

Kat Velez: Never listen to Chicago sports radio the day after a Bears loss. Wait, no — that’s mine.

Kate Bernot: To quit smoking. We’ve seen the Tumblr, Jay, you’re busted.

4. What’s your excuse for losing in fantasy football this year?

Brian Moore: Replacement refs.

Matt Pais: N/A. Didn’t play. Totally would have won if I did though.

Jane Monzures: I thought Evan Lysacek would be my sleeper, but ice skating doesn’t translate to the tight end position.

Kat Velez: I spent more time playing actual role-playing games.

Kate Bernot: I never even played! So yes, anyone’s fantasy league is better than mine.

5. If the White Sox lose A.J. Pierzynski, then …

Brian Moore: … who will fill the role of irritating douche for the White Sox?

Matt Pais: … I will continue to not watch the games or care about the team. We’ve been over this.

Jane Monzures: … I can quit learning how to spell his last name.

Kat Velez: … I hope he goes to the Cubs, because I’m a terrible human being. Merry Christmas!

Kate Bernot: … some team’s getting one heck of a catch.

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