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TOPIC 1: GIVE BRIAN GRIESE SOME ADVICE FOR SUNDAY.
Don’t screw up or we’ll start begging for your backup to come in.
You’re from a long line of retreads that includes Rick Mirer and Kordell Stewart. Take pride in that.
Borrow some diapers from astronaut Lisa Nowak, just in case.
Don’t talk to Rex Grossman before the game about anything.
When you’re facing third-and- long — SET PHASERS TO KILL!
TOPIC 2: IF THEY MADE A MOVIE ABOUT THE BEARS QB DRAMA, WHOM WOULD YOU CAST?
George Clooney as Griese, Fred Savage as Grossman and Brian Dennehy as Lovie.
Who could imitate Lovie’s nasally drawl? Cleveland from “Family Guy.”
Meredith Baxter Birney as Bears Hater No. 4. MBB pumps up the drama in every Lifetime movie.
Mike Ditka as Grossman; Matt Damon as Griese.
Jack McFarlane from “Will & Grace” could play Griese if he gained 30 pounds and butched up.
TOPIC 3: BRAZIL ROUTED THE VAUNTED AMERICANS IN WOMEN’S SOCCER. WHAT HAPPENED?
In Brazil, “vaunted” means “woeful.”
Their coached benched goalie Hope Solo. He should have put in her dad, Han Solo.
Brazilian ladies — like Gisele Bundchen — steal everything from American women.
It was a Rio kick in the … Get it? Rio? Kick? Best answer ever.
It’s the Brazilians’ payback for K-Fed’s “PopoZao,” and it’s been a long time coming!
TOPIC 4: MAKE UP A SPORTS CLICHE TO INSPIRE THE CUBS.
If you don’t win the division I will destroy you. Inspired?
When life gives you lemons, don’t put them in your bullpen.
Hey Cubs, don’t get caught Reds-handled.
This is a team that thrives under pressure. It’s still a lock.
I demand your unconditional surrender! How’s that for inspiration?
TOPIC 5: LIONS WR ROY WILLIAMS TAKES DATES TO MCDONALD’S BECAUSE ‘I AM CHEAP.’ COMMENTS?
I take dates to McDonald’s when I want to splurge.
“Cheap” is such a strong word. I prefer “valuerrific.”
White Castle not good enough for you, McFancy Pants?
I’m sure the ladies are lovin’ him? No, not really.
I’d tell her, “You live in Detroit and his name is ‘Roy.’ You’re getting pretty much what you deserve.”
We don’t like to brag, but readers Tim Geigner, Betsy Sabroske, Kelly Barry, Jorge Nino — a.k.a. DJ Nurotic — and Jordan Huenink really brought it. OK, we lied. We love to brag.
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TOPIC 1: GIVE BRIAN GRIESE SOME ADVICE FOR SUNDAY.
Be prepared to hear, “Kyle Orton is our quarterback,” in the postgame conference.
Take the O-line out to dinner and bring extra protection. Wait, is this supposed to be football-related?
Don’t bring your clipboard with you on the field, Rex will take care of it from now on.
Remember what color jersey your team’s wearing and throw it to that team.
Even if you play bad, it’ll take Lovie a majority of the season to decide to re-bench you.
TOPIC 2: IF THEY MADE A MOVIE ABOUT THE BEARS QB DRAMA, WHOM WOULD YOU CAST?
All the McDoctors from “Grey’s Anatomy” since they are equally McWorthless.
Kordell Stewart. Five minutes and the movie spontaneously combusts, ending the Bears’ misery.
Why not cast the real Rex? Rumor has it he’s looking for a job.
Kramer from “Seinfeld” will make a good Grossman, always fumbling around.
My mom, no question. She and Rex have about the same arm strength … and eyes.
TOPIC 3: BRAZIL ROUTED THE VAUNTED AMERICANS IN WOMEN’S SOCCER. WHAT HAPPENED?
Our girls got waxed by the Brazilians … someone had to say it.
They listened to Coach Greg Ryan when he told them to eat dog food in China.
The players gave up, realizing women’s soccer in the U.S. means just as much as the WNBA.
They spent more time doing Nike commercials than practicing.
Ronaldinho let his hair down, threw on a sports bra and scored all four goals.
TOPIC 4: MAKE UP A SPORTS CLICHE TO INSPIRE THE CUBS.
It ain’t over ’til the Marlins beat you … aw crap …
When fans boo, tell them to “put a cork in it.”
The Cubs control their own destiny … terrifying thought, isn’t it?
Nothing can help them.
Can I use Murphy’s Law as an inspirational sports cliche?
TOPIC 5: LIONS WR ROY WILLIAMS TAKES DATES TO MCDONALD’S BECAUSE ‘I AM CHEAP.’ COMMENTS?
It’s better than a Tank Johnson date at the gun range.
When Roy Williams’ date is loving it, he loves to see her smile.
In all fairness to Roy, he was scary close to splurging on Arby’s.
Sounds like a page out of my book.
Just a question: Does that make him a “Big Mac” Daddy?