Dear Cheryl: I’m a 22-year-old mother of a 2-year-old daughter. My boyfriend and I live with my parents. He loves us and is ready to marry me and adopt my baby. My problem is my baby’s father. He was horrible to me, and I dumped him when I was five months pregnant.
He has visitation rights, but he never follows any of the rules. He sees our daughter when it’s convenient. He hasn’t seen her for three weeks.
My daughter hates him. She screams at the sight of him. She’s tried cramming herself into a cabinet to get away from him. She’s very anxious. She tries to pull out her toenails and scratches her neck until the skin tears. She’s even tried pulling out her hair. I’m scared that maybe he’s doing something to her or neglecting her completely when he sees her. I have nightmares about her being kidnapped or killed.
I know I shouldn’t let him ruin my life, but the fact that he doesn’t care about our daughter is killing me. And he has no idea how he treated me, maybe because he’s used drugs since he was 12. I feel if he could admit what he did to me and what he’s doing to our daughter, I could finally let go. I believe that as long as he’s in the picture, I’ll never be able to move forward. I was stupid to let him control my life when we were together, and I’m still letting him. I wish I didn’t care so much, but I can’t stop!
Do I have the right to demand that he give up his rights? I’ve been to the courts and even talked to lawyers, but they all tell me that because I have no proof, there’s nothing they can do. I have family members who are social workers and private investigators, and they tell me the same thing. I feel as if I’m all alone.
More Top Picks Best Small Donabe Pots
— Single Mom
Dear Single Mom:
1. Take your daughter to her pediatrician immediately! Tell him what she’s doing and have him check her out. Does she have any physical problems or are they emotional? If they’re emotional, have the pediatrician recommend a therapist. Tell the therapist what’s going on with your ex. Your daughter is your top priority. You’ve got to get her help. I don’t think you realize how serious this problem is.
2. Start keeping a journal today. Write down every symptom your daughter exhibits. Write down every interaction your ex has with her, including missed visits, late visits and your daughter’s reaction to him.
3. Refuse to accept that there’s nothing that can be done. Ask your daughter’s pediatrician or therapist for suggestions. Sit down with the phone book. Call legal aid societies; call your city’s department of children and family services. If one person can’t help you, ask for recommendations on who can. There is help available. Don’t stop looking until you find it. Your daughter’s health and safety, her entire life, are in your hands.
4. Now, about your relationship with your ex. Forget it! You can’t afford to waste time and energy on what he did and why he did it. You have to focus on one thing and one thing only — your daughter. You have to get her healthy before you can think about boyfriends, past, present and future.
5. Which brings me to your present boyfriend. Kick him out of your parents’ home! What kind of man talks about marriage and fatherhood when he can’t even afford his own place to live? Dating and marriage should be the last thing on your mind right now. If you don’t get your daughter the helps she needs right now, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.
Good luck and keep in touch.
———–
Got a problem? Send it to [email protected] or Cheryl Lavin, Tales from the Front, baiduhai, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611. Please include day and evening phone numbers. Read Tales from the Front Monday, Wednesday and Thursday in Tempo.