Spring cleaning means different things to different people. Some people clean out their drawers. Some go through their closets. Some go through their lives. They take an inventory of what worked and what didn’t, what they need to keep and what they need to change. That would be Robert. …
Robert says his first marriage failed because he thought people could be changed: “Although I come from a line of fairly bright people — a preacher, teachers, professors — my family was dysfunctional. My father married my mother because she was ‘good breeding stock.’ “
In hindsight, he realizes he never should have married Carol. She wanted him and he went along, figuring he could change what he didn’t like about her: “She left me and our two sons after seven years because she didn’t want to be a wife and mother anymore.”
Even though the marriage was a mistake, Robert learned some important lessons: “I learned that I was more than a bit of a Neanderthal back then and that women were not second-class citizens. I learned that people are not really malleable. I also learned that I needed to do the picking rather than be picked.”
Robert’s second marriage, to Shelley, lasted 16 years and ended when she dumped him for her brother-in-law. But Robert wasn’t exactly the innocent party: “As I passed 40, midlife hit me. I thought I could control it by sheer force of will, but it wasn’t that easy. I examined the same things other guys do — affairs, younger wife, fast cars, etc. — but rejected them because I believe strongly in fidelity. However, while I was processing that stuff [it took many months] I withdrew quite a bit.
“And Shelley wasn’t very forthcoming herself. She would never talk about feelings. She wouldn’t talk about what was going on with me, and in fact resisted when I tried to talk about what I was going through. (She was like a cat. Dogs love you and show it. Cats tolerate you.)”
Again, Robert came away from the marriage a wiser man: “I learned that picking instead of being picked doesn’t work any better if you don’t pick wisely. I should have looked harder. I learned that settling for Ms. Good Enough is not a smart plan. I learned that two or three desirable characteristics are not enough for a good match.”
Robert’s third marriage, to Ellen, also lasted 16 years: “Not long after getting married, I figured out that she was heavily co-dependent. I remember her crying and begging me to tell her who and what I wanted her to be. I insisted she be herself, and we set out on a journey to wholeness that included therapy. She had to do the growing up that she didn’t do when she was young.”
Once again, Robert came out of the marriage older, but wiser: “What did I learn? This is harder to pinpoint because Ellen was my best pick to date, and the 16 years were the best I’d had. But again I moved too soon. I took longer than with my second wife, but I was still in too much of a hurry. I didn’t know her well enough. I ignored the danger signs. I suspect on some level I thought I could change her, just like with my first wife.
“Although it was generally a good marriage, it was too much work. Ellen had a lot of baggage. And she was my opposite in every way. That can work well — you fill in each other’s blind spots — but it’s a lot of work.”
Robert has not given up. In the last 18 months, he has hit the Internet, but it’s been a disappointment: “I find that 50- to 60-year-old women have a lot of baggage. Perhaps that’s a characteristic of the people who head to the Net for romance. I seem to see more clearly than before, and I’m not in as much of a hurry to find a mate as before, so I feel I’ve come a long way and maybe I’ll get it right the next time.”
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Did you wait till after you had lost a partner to realize how much you loved him/her? Send your tale, along with your relationship questions and problems, to [email protected] or Cheryl Lavin, Tales From the Front, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611. Please include day and evening phone numbers. Letters may be used in whole or in part. Read Tales From the Front Monday, Wednesday and Friday in Tempo.