Welcome to a very special Battle of the Sexes Five on Five: The RedEye guys vs. the RedEye ladies. For the fellas’ sake, let’s not get physical.
And here we have our female–and some would say slightly better–versions of our regulars: reporters Tracy Swartz, Kyra Kyles and Alexia Elejalde-Ruiz, copy editor Supriya Doshi and plain ol’ Bag Girl. Dial redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive–they’re waiting for your call!
TOPIC 1: WHAT’S YOUR SPORTS SECRET?
Jimmy Greenfield: I only bathe in orange Gatorade and … wait a sec, what’s Phil doing in the guys’ group?
Phillip Thompson: After all I’ve said, I took Terrell Owens AND Barry Bonds in my last two fantasy drafts. Hypocrite.
Leo Ebersole: 1. Curl into a tight little ball until the whistle blows. 2. Stand up. 3. Repeat.
Rahula Strohl: It’s so good, it’s better than Victoria’s.
Bag Boy: I like field hockey–women in shin guards wielding sticks. OK, this is good, Bag Boy, it’s out there now.
Tracy Swartz: Jo Noah sinks those free throws because I wear the same unwashed socks for each game.
Kyra Kyles: I learned everything I know about sports from Jimmy:
Alexia Elejalde-Ruiz: Absolutely nothing.
Balance bar. It’s like nature’s steroids.
Supriya Doshi: I watch the Tour de France in its entirety. What? I like the … scenery.
Bag Girl: If I wanted you to know that, I’d just remove the bag.
TOPIC 2: TELL US SOMETHING WE SHOULD KNOW ABOUT THE FINAL FOUR.
Jimmy Greenfield: Every team has a graduation rate higher than the RedEye ladies’ group.
Phillip Thompson: If Florida loses, Tracy promises to shave her head to look like Jimmy. Or maybe I promised for her?
Leo Ebersole: The mighty Georgetown Hoyas plan to announce a run for president shortly after winning.
Rahula Strohl: None of them were picked by Bag Girl.
Bag Boy: It’s called the Final Four, but they’ll have one next year, and the year after that, and the year after that …
Tracy Swartz: Gator raid.
Kyra Kyles: It’s almost over. Now all my male admirers can return. I’m kidding (unless you want to return).
Alexia Elejalde-Ruiz: It happens every year and for some reason people get verrrrry excited.
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Supriya Doshi: It’s lacking 50 percent of last year’s excitement.
Bag Girl: I can burp the names of each team: FL-OORRRRRIDA, UUUUUUCLA …
TOPIC 3: SAY SOMETHING NICE ABOUT YOUR COUNTERPART.
Jimmy Greenfield: Tracy changed her socks as recently as 2 weeks ago.
Phillip Thompson: I’ll say this about Kyra: She’s every bit as beautiful as she is ornery.
Leo Ebersole: There’s no one you’d rather go to war with than Alexia. And by war I mean “the mall.”
Rahula Strohl: Her name is prettier than mine–but not by much.
Bag Boy: She finally started shaving. … I mean above the legs.
Tracy Swartz: Jimmy is a Jayhawk.
Kyra Kyles: I don’t always feel like slapping him. Sometimes, I just want to kick him.
Alexia Elejalde-Ruiz: There’s no one I’d rather have on my flip-cup team than Leo. Unless there were another me.
Supriya Doshi: Nice eyebrows. Do you pluck or wax?
Bag Girl: He must have been an angel because he reeks to high heaven.
TOPIC 4: WHO WILL WIN SUNDAY’S ‘BATTLE OF THE BILLIONAIRES,’ DONALD TRUMP OR VINCE MCMAHON?
Jimmy Greenfield: The loser has to go bald, so everybody’s a winner, right?
Phillip Thompson: If either of these fools are truly billionaires, there’s something really wrong with this country.
Leo Ebersole: I couldn’t say, but I predict at least two breaks in the match for diaper changes.
Rahula Strohl: McMahon, but only ’cause he’ll tag in Mark Cuban.
Bag Boy: Now you just hold on. This thing has to be sanctioned by Oprah first.
Tracy Swartz: Trump by a hair.
Kyra Kyles: You kidding? McMahon’s wrestler has to win so we can be rid of the Worst. Combover. Ever.
Alexia Elejalde-Ruiz: McMahon. He must. There would be no sweeter joy than a bald Donald.
Supriya Doshi: Whoever shaves their head best … blindfolded.
Bag Girl: Donald Trump. For some reason, McMahon refused to hire me as a WWE Diva.
TOPIC 5: ‘GILMORE GIRLS’ OR ‘PROJECT RUNWAY’? AND DEATH IS NOT AN OPTION.
Jimmy Greenfield: Death isn’t an option, but there are worse things than death. “Gilmore Girls” being one of them.
Phillip Thompson: “Project Runway,” on the chance they might get raided by barbarians led by Naomi Campbell.
Leo Ebersole: “Gilmore Girls,” in hopes that the speed of the dialogue will put me in a coma.
Rahula Strohl: “Gilmore Girls.” Lauren Graham calls me.
Bag Boy: Why wasn’t “One Tree Hill” an option? Who said that?!?
Tracy Swartz: Pitching, running, throwing, catching, Barack Obama?
Kyra Kyles: Don’t you mean the five S’s of baseball? Sliding, strange hairstyles, steroids, spittin’ and snuff.
Alexia Elejalde-Ruiz: Bat, glove, ball, base, batting helmet. Obviously.
Supriya Doshi: Bonds, Sosa, Kruk … Oops. I thought it said “who.”
Bag Girl: Barry Bonds, Jose Canseco, Pete Rose, Randy Johnson and Bag Boy.
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