Clara DeLay has the perfect spouse.
Russell is patient, kind and a great lunch date. Together for 20 years, they talk about kids, office squabbles and life after retirement.
But every weekday at about 5 p.m., the two part ways until they punch the clock again.
They aren’t really husband and wife. Just “office spouses.”
A survey of about 700 workers, released this year by Vault, a media and career research company, has found one in three employees has one.
As men and women spend longer days at the office, they are more likely to bond with the opposite sex. Men and women work on the same projects. They root for each other. They watch each other’s back. And over time, some get close.
The vast majority of office spouses aren’t romantic, or at least don’t start off that way. But a pseudo-wife or pseudo-husband at work is not your typical colleague. Office spouses don’t just talk shop–they also talk about family woes, bills and other personal business. They will gladly help make copies, but they will also bring you a cup of coffee just the way you like it.
Getting too cozy
Some experts say office spouses make people happier on the job and may help them land a promotion. Although many say workplace bonds are natural, some experts believe we are getting too cozy with our cube-mates.
“A lot of office environments are competitive and it’s nice to have somebody rowing the boat with you,” said Tony Jurich, professor of marriage and family therapy at Kansas State University. “But pretty soon, it can be `Baby’ and `Sweetie’ and you are telling your office spouse about how you love to walk barefoot in the park in the morning dew.”
The relationships almost never start in a sexual manner, experts say, but through a bonding experience like staying late together to nail a business proposal. And they typically involve two people who highly respect each other’s work.
“We become attached to someone’s brain and when you love the way someone thinks, you form a connection,” said Tory Johnson, CEO of Women for Hire, a company that holds career fairs across the country.
Jurich said men and women are often drawn to each other because they believe they can complement each other in their jobs. They can also connect over similar experiences in the office.
Laura Waterman misses her ex-office spouse, a relationship that ended when she left her administrative job at a prison.
“He made my job more pleasant,” she said. “He would help me with questions about work, and he would always make sure I was comfortable–he would check to see if I needed anything to eat.”
`No-sex affairs’
Still, office spouses are risky, some experts say. A constant work buddy of the opposite sex can spark rumors at the office–and jealousy at home.
Going to a movie with an office spouse or BlackBerrying your pal at 2 a.m. when you can’t sleep suggests the office spouse relationship has crossed the line into an inappropriate level of intimacy, according to Johnson.
And if the work wife/hubby relationship goes sour, it can be awkward to sit next to him or her.
Francie Dalton, a workplace behavioral expert who lives outside Baltimore, believes work is for work and emotional bonding with a colleague should be eschewed.
“Office spouses–this is not smart no matter how you slice it,” said Dalton. “If you are married, it creates a closeness that should only belong in marriage.”
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Dalton said she understands employees need to vent, but employees should find off-campus venues like professional organizations to let off some steam.
“When I vent, I am whiny and emotional and not the things I want my future subordinates or future superiors to see,” she said.
Office spouse relationships–even when functional–often run the risk of getting too intimate.
And even when there’s no sex, office spouses can still be intimate and emotionally attached to each other. Some relationship experts even call these relationships “no-sex affairs.”
“Sometimes office spouses get intimate and it may not involve sex, but you have the two talking about things they wouldn’t even tell their spouse,” Jurich said.
But for many, a happy office marriage makes the daily grind more of a pleasure.
For DeLay, her office spouse has made her long career with the government more enriching. She said there’s never been any hint of crossing the line, and that is a key reason it has endured.
“I’ve had some major disappointments at work that I would not have survived were it not for the ear, shoulder and calming presence of my office spouse,” she said.