By the end of the month, American men are going to start looking like garbage. It’s not due to air pollution or ultraviolet rays or the avian flu. It’s because Cargo magazine is ceasing publication.
For those living in caves, Cargo is … make that was … a monthly male shopping magazine. (Those living in caves should see the mountain-shoe guide on Page 82 of the May issue.)
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Now, some may childishly snicker at a testosterone-targeted shopping publication. I’m one of those childish ones. And the latest (last) issue only fuels the funny fire. “Some people hit museums and restaurants; others hit bars and clubs,” reads a sidebar to editor Ariel Foxman’s letter. “When Cargo’s staffers visit a new town, we hit the stores.”
My sentiments exactly. Only completely reversed.
Critiquing Cargo is tricky because the ads are nearly indistinguishable from the content. Is that an advertisement for pink golf shirts or a review of pink golf shirts on Page 28?
Luckily each issue comes with a page of little blue stickers–some labeled BUY, others marked SAVE. The instructions read “Tag the stuff you want to buy, need to investigate further or plan to come back to months from now.”
When I saw the $138 price for the retro Bermudas on Page 50, I was scrambling for a sticker that read, YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!
Cargo features . . . make that featured . . . a recurring section called “Store of the Month,” which is like Playboy’s “Playmate of the Month” for guys who ogle slacks. And fearing that retailers were getting short shrift, the editors also included in the May issue a feature titled “20 Coolest Stores Right Now.” (My TJ Maxx at Broadway and Diversey didn’t make the cut.)
A full page is devoted to a Swedish clothing label, Filippa K, which is described as “a line to watch.” I’ll be sure to remember that next time I’m browsing for overpriced clogs. Another segment features a product called hidden tailors–elastic straps that connect the bottom of the shirttail to the top of the sock, keeping the oxford tucked in and the wearer unlikely to remove his pants in the company of a lover.
Admittedly, there are some useful segments in the current Cargo, like the guide redheads can study to help match their hair to their business suits and a list of cool spy gadgets. But then, as a brown-haired civilian with a limited budget for espionage equipment, I wasn’t intrigued. And I’m unlikely to buy my wife the marijuana-scented perfume (Page 77).
Perhaps most awkward in the May Cargo is on Page 95–an advertisement for what is now the phantom next issue. “Our second annual `What Women Want’ survey is coming. Pick up the June issue … “
I guess male readers will never know what women want. If the softer sex seeks guys who spend their free time adhering little blue stickers to advertisements for neckties they “need to investigate further,” they’re out of luck.
And for us guys, I guess we’re on our own when it comes to style. I’m just glad the photo accompanying this column was taken back when I was under the tutelage of the fashionable fellas at Cargo. (If you see my shirttails coming untucked, please let me know.)
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