There’s guy, and then there’s Ultimate Guy, whose behavior reduces even guys to head-shaking confusion.
For example, there I am, pedaling north through Lincoln Park on the paved path to pick up Stockton Drive near Armitage Avenue.
My pace is nice and slow, the weather is pretty, life is good.
Coming toward me is a guy with two Labrador retrievers running in that “Hey, what’s over there?” way that Labradors run. Anticipating this, I move to the right and slow even more, but Ultimate Guy has to stop, because there are people blocking his side of the path.
“Great place for that,” he says sarcastically, implying that people shouldn’t be cycling, or doing anything else really, while he’s exercising with his two rambunctious canines.
This is, of course, on a paved path upon which people ride all the time and which doesn’t say “Walkers only” or “Fitness guys with dogs only.”
And were that moment to have had a sponsor, it would be brought to you by Ultimate Guy, the place where “I’m wrong, but it’s your fault for putting yourself in a situation that makes me wrong.”
It’s an awesome thing to see, but stupefying at the same time, because of the resolute narrow-mindedness necessary to achieve the level of Ultimate Guy.
Sometimes Ultimate Guys can even morph into Fighting Guys, because the last thing any guy wants to do is admit he was wrong. Guys will admit they were lost before admitting they were wrong.
More Top Picks Best Screen Filters For Blue Light
Why does this happen?
Good question, and the answer is simple. To a guy, whatever he’s doing–running, driving to get a coffee, whatever–out in the world is the most important thing in the universe at that moment, and he will brook no interference. If you interfere, you are automatically wrong because when a guy is on a mission, all is allowed.
Yes, even I am guilty of those UG moments, such as when I’m driving. My attitude at that time is “I don’t care what you do, just don’t do it in front of me.” I love driving, and I love driving fast. You are speeding, but you’re not speeding enough.
Do I rationalize that my lead-footed chicanery is OK?
Yep, because I’m having a UG moment, so step aside, sucker.
Some of this necessary focus is because, like dogs, guys have to think about what they’re doing or they’ll get sidetracked.
People who study such things claim that when dogs think, they in effect repeat what is getting their attention.
So a dog will think, “Squirrel, squirrel, squirrel . . . ,” which is why your calling his name has little effect. But when he heeds, the squirrel is forgotten. Ditto for guys, as every interruption is a potential sidetracking, turning a surgical strike into an excursion, which is bad.
But most important, guys are self-centered. Right. Duh. We don’t really understand why all of these people are in our way, why that person is driving too slowly, how dare they double-park there, etc, etc. A guy owns the world. Everyone else pays rent.
The real question is, being a guy, what did I do when confronted with Ultimate Guy?
I pedaled on my merry way, because every now and again, guys also are men, and men do all that grownup stuff that makes women want to spend more than 10 seconds around us without screaming and running from the room. Because life is way too short.
And further, I guess I’m just not guy enough to bother.
———-
Send e-mail for Kevin Williams to kmwilliams@tribune .com