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player ready...In ancient Mongolia they would drop pickled sheep’s eyes into tomato juice. In Assyria the trick was crushed bird beaks mixed with bitter myrrh. And in our own Wild West the cure for hangovers was jackrabbit droppings blended into hot tea. Yee-ha!
As long as humans have been drinking, they’ve been searching for ways to remedy themselves the next day. And while modern treatments may not seem as revolting as they did back when the Genghis Khanikazi was a popular drink (3 ounces vodka, 2 ounces blood of the vanquished, lemon zest), they are no more reliable.
So I was intrigued when I saw Chaser pills popping up on the counters of local Walgreens and liquor stores. “Freedom from Hangovers” is the tagline of the product that costs $2.99 for four pills. The picture on the vending display shows a business-suit-wearing wife glaring at her hungover husband who is holding an ice bag to his head.
Not a fan of headaches or glaring, I decided to field-test this cure. First I did a little research. Chaser claims to eliminate 17 hangover symptoms: headaches, fatigue, red eyes, gastrointestinal upsets, dizziness, lack of concentration … there were some others, but my mind started to wander. And I had to go to the bathroom.
Here comes the technical part, so if you’re bored by medical jargon skip this paragraph and pour yourself a nice glass of whiskey. Congeners are the byproduct of fermentation. When these bastard cells enter your bloodstream, your immune system reacts by releasing proteins called cytokines. This surge of cytokines causes inflammation leading to headache, nausea and body aches. So it’s not actually the 14 rum and Cokes that make you feel horrible–it’s the cytokines.
Chaser claims to absorb congeners before they can do their damage. “With Chaser, you can celebrate with friends and family while enjoying your favorite alcoholic beverages, and wake up in the morning refreshed and ready to start your day,” reads the company’s literature. “No headache, no nausea, no regrets.”
I was suspicious of the claims to eliminate headache and nausea. And I’m considering a false-advertising claim about that last line. These little red pills can cure alcohol-related regrets? Do they magically transport you out of the jail cell or repair the windows you shattered at your neighbor’s house? Do they reverse time to the moment before you insulted your girlfriend? If that were true, I’d have regretted not taking Chaser since my first drink–the night of my 21st birthday. Not a day sooner.
It took me nearly 10 years of hangovers to try Chaser. On Friday I consumed four of the pills throughout a night of heavy drinking. The next morning, my stomach felt fine and my eyes were clear, but I had a killer headache. I was hoping for better results, but I don’t fault Chaser. I highly doubted any supplements could combat 17 cocktails.
We’ve improved alcohol in every way imaginable. Michelob Ultra has fewer carbs. Wine comes in boxes. And Goldschlager remedies the effects of a gold-deficient diet.
But it’s the 21st Century, and we’re still stumped by the hangover.
“There’s no such thing as a hangover cure,” admits a surprisingly frank Rollin Riggs, publisher of “The Hangover Handbook: 101 Cures for Humanity’s Oldest Malady.”
I’m in the camp with Riggs. Sure, there are tricks that mediate the problem, but none that medicate it. For me Chaser falls into the category with eating-before-going-out, drinking-plenty-of-water-while-partying, and taking-aspirins-before-bed. It lessened some of my symptoms, but there just ain’t no stopping a well-earned hangover.
I’ve come to accept the morning after as part of the drinking process. And I’ve found a way to have fun with it. I do what hungover Haitian voodoo practitioners do–stick pins into the cork from the previous night’s bottle. And then I go out looking for jackrabbits.
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