Dear Ann Landers: “Edgar” and I have been married four years. We both have teenage children from previous marriages. Last fall, Edgar closed our joint checking account and had his paycheck sent directly to an accountant who paid our bills. The accountant quit after two months, so now Edgar has his paycheck sent to his mother. I have no access to any of his income.
I quit my job in order to stay home and raise my children, yet Edgar expects me to pay for my own clothes and incidentals. My only income is my ex-husband’s child-support check, and I need that for my daughters, who are now 13 and 15. I have asked Edgar how he expects me to pay for my own things, and he says I should have planned better and it’s “too bad I didn’t have more foresight.” Now he wants to sell our house and move, and I have no say in the matter.
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My mother-in-law, who handles Edgar’s money, tells me nothing. I know some of his income goes toward her support, while I have to scrimp and save for myself and my children. She has convinced Edgar that I have secret money I’m hiding from him.
I am at my wits’ end trying to figure out what to do. Edgar will not discuss the situation and refuses to change our new arrangement. Please help me, Ann. I am . . . — Desperate in Des Moines, Iowa
Dear Desperate: Edgar will not allow you to have any of his income and is planning to sell the house? Something smells rotten to me.
See a lawyer immediately, and find out how to protect yourself and your children if Edgar leaves you and takes all his assets with him. You should also start looking for a part-time or even full-time job. Your children are old enough not to need baby-sitters.
You must have a frank discussion with Edgar. Tell him the situation is intolerable. Ask him to go with you to a marriage counselor. If he refuses, go without him. There are plenty of low-cost services available. Look in the phone book, or check the Alliance for Children and Families at www.alliance1.org for a referral. And get moving!
Dear Ann Landers: Thirteen years ago, I dated an aspiring actress named “Suzanne.” She was a topless dancer at a bar, and I fell in love with her. She dumped me without an explanation or apology for the pain she caused. I did not hear from her for 13 years and never understood how she could be so cruel. On April 2, I read your column about Reconciliation Day and decided to try to mend some fences. I knew where she was living and called her on the phone. When I held out the olive branch, she practically bit my hand. She threatened to call the police if I contacted her again. She said I was part of her “secret past life.”
Her mother knew she was a stripper, so why is she hiding from me? I hope she reads this because I’d like to understand why she was so aloof to an old friend. Any ideas, Ann? — Depressed in New Jersey
Dear Depressed: I suspect your feelings for Suzanne were more intense than her feelings for you. She is ashamed of her past and prefers to keep her distance from those who “knew her when.” You gave it your best shot. Now leave it alone.
Dear Ann Landers: You have printed several letters about how to get rid of guests who stay too long. I hope you will print mine. Years ago, we had a potluck bridge group that met once a month. After playing bridge, the talking started and often ran late. One evening, our hostess went to the window and announced: “Looks like a storm is brewing. If I were company, I’d head for home immediately.” We did. — Stu in Florida
Dear Stu: A beautiful “solution.” I wish I had thought of it.
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