Dear Ann Landers: My 17-year-old son, “Jordan,” is a casual pot smoker and has no intention of stopping. As a result, my husband and I refuse to let him drive our car alone until he tests drug-free for three months in a row. One of us always accompanies him. We also told him he has to get his grades up enough to qualify for a “good student discount” so we don’t have to pay such high premiums on his insurance. He is smart enough to keep a “B” average but doesn’t bother.
Jordan insists he would never drive while under the influence, but I can’t be sure. He constantly complains that all his friends own cars and he is tired of walking or biking everywhere. He wants us to buy him a car, and I have to admit, it would relieve us of a huge burden. Any time he needs to drive somewhere, either his father or I have to accompany him. My husband and I don’t want to be the bad guys in this relationship, but Jordan is so insistent on having a car that it is creating problems at home. What do you think we should do?
— Mom in Denver
Dear Denver: In your effort not to be “the bad guy,” you are allowing Jordan to change the rules in your house. You are wise not to allow him to drive under the influence, but it isn’t enough. You are his mother, not his buddy. You do not owe him a car. Jordan can get a summer job and start saving his money. If you want to help him with the purchase, fine, but tell him you will not do so until he is drug-free and gets his grades up. Let him know that owning a car is a privilege, not a right.
Dear Ann Landers: My boss and his wife like to socialize with his employees. Yesterday, he suggested my husband and I meet the two of them for dinner at an upscale restaurant.
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Ann, I don’t want to socialize with my boss. My job is stressful, and I look forward to going home and relaxing. My boss is OK professionally, but I can only take him in small doses. If I had to see him evenings and weekends as well, I would lose my mind.
Several of my co-workers feel obligated to see the boss socially, but I don’t agree. I don’t want to hurt the man’s feelings or put my job in jeopardy. Can you suggest a tactful way to deal with this problem?
— New York Employee
Dear New York: It sounds as if your boss is trying to create a more friendly environment for his employees. Either grin and bear it for the sake of your job, or be upfront. Tell him you enjoy working for him, but you prefer to maintain a professional stance at the office and would like to keep your personal time separate.
Dear Ann Landers: I had to write when I saw the letter from “Out of Gas in Grand Rapids, Mich.” He said his wife did not know how to drive and refused to leave the house early enough for him to get to work on time.
Five years ago, my husband could have written that letter. He finally got fed up being my personal chauffeur and handed me a bus schedule. It was the best thing he could have done. At first I was angry, but when I realized how selfish I was, I changed my attitude. After three years, I finally got my driver’s license.
“Out of Gas” should understand that he is enabling his wife to take advantage of him. Until he puts his foot down, she will continue to do it.
— Elmira, N.Y.
Dear Elmira: Thanks for backing me up. And congratulations on taking responsibility for your own transportation. Drive safely.