This summer, the DreamWorks studio (with Paramount) scheduled its apocalyptic space-chunk extravaganza, “Deep Impact,” to beat Disney’s “Armageddon” to the megaplexes. Then DreamWorks rushed the release of its computer ant-imation movie, “Antz,” to precede Disney’s “A Bug’s Life,” which opens Wednesday. You don’t think ex-Disney/current DreamWorks executive Jeffrey Katzenberg is stick-bugging it to his former studio, do you? Here’s our ant-atomy of the two insect movies: %% %%
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%% `Antz’ `A Bug’s life’
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Neurotic ant Z Hero Inventor ant Flik
————————————————————————
”The whole system Hero’s lament ”I’m never going
makes me feel to make a
insignificant” difference”
————————————————————————
Leads uprising against Hero mission Leads battle
evil ant schemers against evil
grasshopper
bullies
————————————————————————
Princess Bala Love interest Princess Atta
————————————————————————
Termites Ants’ main nemeses Grasshoppers
————————————————————————
Gene Hackman Oscar-winner as Kevin Spacey
(Mandible) chief baddie (Hopper)
————————————————————————
Aphid beer Cocktail of choice Black Flag
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Pepsi and Mountain Dew Most gigantic The fictional
product placement Casey Jr. Cookies
(”Now with
more sugar”)
————————————————————————
Bugs happily munch Fecal food Bug waitress
”crap” serves a Poo
Poo Platter
————————————————————————
Line dance Preferred ant dance Limbo
————————————————————————
”Guantanamera” Mexican party song ”La Cucaracha”
————————————————————————
6 (correct) Number of ant ”arms” 4 (incorrect)
and legs combined
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————————————————————————
No Acknowledgement of ant No
females’ dominance in
ant colonies?
%%
A list
10 things that bug us about the movies
1. Characters who get out of bed with perfect makeup.
2. Characters who get out of bed when they hear strange noises. What you SHOULD do when you hear strange noises is pull the bedcovers over your head and hope the killers don’t notice you. Duh.
3. Wisecracking sidekick critters in animated movies.
4. Musical scores that hammer home how you’re supposed to feel in every scene.
5. Nauseating hand-held camera work (most recently used in “The Celebration”).
6. Montage sequences. Instead ofshowing what really happens when two people fall in love, they’ll show somecutesy-poo scenes (with syrupy musical accompaniment) of the couple in the park, eating ice cream, etc. Ugh.
7. Adam Sandler’s voice.
8. Immaculate homes. Doesn’t anyone in movieland have clutter? Or dirty dishes? Or toys scattered across the floor?
9. The way it takes about a half a second for people in movies to get into a car (which is always parked right in front) and drive away. They never have to move a pile of junk off the seat, put on a seat belt or, apparently, even start the engine.
10. Movies that take extra pains establishing how pacifist their heroes are so you won’t feel bad when they blow away the bad guys at the end.
Another list
10 things that bug us about movie theaters
1. People who bring children to R-rated movies.
2. Theaters that turn a blind eye and open hand to unaccompanied kids who want to see R-rated movies. You know who you are.
3. Concession-stand prices.
4. This has become a cliched complaint, but it is the most pandemic and the most irritating: people in the audience who talk during the movie. What are you, stupid?
5. People in the audience who talk on cell phones during the movie.
6. People who don’t want to move their coats so you can sit down.
7. Theaters that either overheat or overcool the theater, close down the concession stand in the middle of a movie and don’t have someone available when the film breaks or goes out of focus.
8. Having to sit through commercials, both national and local, before the previews and the feature film. Aren’t we paying high-enough prices for tickets and popcorn without suffering this ultimate insult?
9. Auditorium lights that stay so bright that you could read a book while watching the movie.
10. Concession stands that sell three different sizes of soft drinks yet offer free refills on all of them.
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What are your complaints? Write Arts & Entertainment, 435 N. Michigan, Chicago 60611. Or e-mail to [email protected]. Please include your name and address.