Two years ago, all six Bellinger children attended a grandmother’s funeral.
Lizzie, now 10, cried. So did her five brothers–even the two oldest, the 14- and 15-year-old “jocks.” They cried freely, their grief spilling over and catching the attention of those gathered for the service in Plano, Texas.
“People were amazed,” said their mother, Patty. “But I think they take their cues from their father. When his mother died, he showed emotion. So I think it was easy for the boys to show theirs.”
For American boys and men, there’s a silent code, one that the Bellingers broke that day at the funeral. Big boys don’t cry. They dare. They dominate. They let go of mama’s apron strings. And they bury deep all that “sissy stuff”–those ever-embarrassing feelings.
One expert has called it the Boy Code, a string of societal expectations that is wreaking havoc with the nation’s boys.
“Boys in this country are in crisis,” said psychologist William Pollack, author of “Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons From the Myths of Boyhood” (Random House, $24.95).
“We see it with violence, the school shootings, even drug abuse. It’s happening to the boy next door or maybe even the boy in your own house.
“These boys are cut off from their feelings. They have learned shame. To protect themselves against the shame, they learn to don what I call a mask of masculinity. If the mask stays in place too long. It hardens, and the boys can no longer reach their feelings,” Pollack said.
“So what happens is that some boys can’t cry tears. They cry bullets.”
The code, though, is starting to fray, giving way to what Pollack and others hope will be a revolution. In the aftermath of the women’s movement, men and boys are struggling to redefine themselves.
Books such as Pollack’s and others aimed at raising better boys are starting to fill store bookshelves. Some colleges are offering courses on masculinity. There is public discussion over the biological differences between boys and girls and how best to educate them. Men are marching, filling stadiums and attending rallies as part of a nationwide movement to become better fathers and more nurturing partners.
“I think 30 years ago, the women’s movement did two things,” Pollack said. “It broke the code for women. We began to listen to girls and how they were being brought up. We empowered them. The work is not done yet, but we have made major inroads.
“But I think what sifted down unwittingly onto the boys’ heads is: `What does this mean for me? What does it mean to be a man?’ And that has become confusing.”
Rev. Philip Postell, head of Jesuit College Preparatory School in Dallas where the two oldest Bellinger boys are enrolled, understands that confusion.
“We are articulating the idea of broadening the emotional awareness of boys. We tell them it’s OK to play a violin and to pick up a baby. It’s OK to show your feelings. But at graduation this year, we had one boy who actually cried. He didn’t expect it, and he was embarrassed by it,” Postell said.
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“I understood. I am an American male, and I came up with `boys don’t cry.’ We speak the language, but I don’t know if we are translating it to actual experience.”
Experts hope the recent tide of attention paid to boys’ issues will bring not only societal change but greater parental understanding.
They want parents to replace the stereotypes that surround the boys with better ways to allow them to express their feelings and keep them connected to the family fold. And the experts call fathers–or men who are close to the boys–equal contributors to the boys’ development.
“It’s true that testosterone does make boys different,” Pollack said. “And it’s true that they are probably more aggressive than girls. But it has nowhere near the effect that the love, shaping and nurturing of the parents has on the behavior of boys. So when we hear `boys will be boys,’ it’s not only a confused myth, it’s a cop-out.”
But parents are doing better than they may think, says Michael Gurian, family therapist and author of “A Fine Young Man: What Parents, Mentors and Educators Can Do to Shape Adolescent Boys Into Exceptional Men” (Jeremy P. Tarcher/Putnam, $24.95).
“I know that some of the research says our littler boys are getting into a lot of trouble, but I don’t see problems emerging until early adolescence,” he said. “Mother love is so powerful for little kids, it pretty much overrides any problems.
“What I am trying to get all families to understand is that when boys begin puberty at 7, 8 or 9 years, we need to teach them it is how their clan, tribe, extended family–whatever word people want to use–view them that provides the crucial structure for adolescence.”