ROUND 1
Dracula
Vitals: Blood-sucking vampire with strong
teeth and a mesmerizing gaze.
Credits: “Dracula” (1931); “DraculaPrince of Darkness” (1966); “Dracula Has Risen From the Grave” (1968); “Dracula vs. Frankenstein” (1971); “Dracula’s Great Love” (1972); “Dracula” (1973); “Dracula and Son” (1976); “Dracula” (1979); “Dracula Rising” (1992); “Dracula: Dead and Loving It” (1996).
Frankenstein
Vitals: Hideous creature made
from human parts (strong hands). Credits: “Frankenstein” (1931); “Frankenstein” (1970); “Dracula vs. Frankenstein” (1971); “Frankenstein” (1973); “Frankenstein and the Monster From Hell” (1974); “Frankenstein” (1984); “Frankenstein” (1992); “Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man” (1992).
King Kong
Vitals: Big ape with strong upper body and animal instincts. Credits: “King Kong” (1933); “King Kong vs. Godzilla” (1963);
“King Kong” (1976);
“King Kong Lives” (1986).
Sil (SPECIES BABE)
Vitals: DNA-hungry alien in a
“Baywatch” body. Credits: “Species” (1995); “Species II” (1998).
Creature from the Black Lagoon
Vitals: Prehistoric man-fish with killer flippers. Credits: “Creature From the Black Lagoon” (1954); “Revenge of the Creature” (1955); “The Creature Walks Among Us” (1956).
Pod
Vitals: Insidious, emotionless seed vessel with Communist tendencies.
Credits: “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” (1956); “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” (1978).
Godzilla
Vitals: Fire-breathing, laser-gazing,
big-footed lizard.
Credits: “Godzilla, King of the Monsters” (1956); “King Kong vs. Godzilla” (1963); “Godzilla vs. Mothra” (1964); “Godzilla vs. Monster Zero” (1966); “Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster” (1966); “Destroy All Monsters” (1968); “Godzilla’s Revenge”
(1969); “Godzilla vs. The Smog Monster” (1972); “Godzilla vs. Gigan” (1972); “Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla” (1975); “Godzilla 1985” (1985); “Godzilla vs. Biollante” (1989); “Godzilla” (1998).
Chucky
Vitals: Lifelike, knife-happy evil doll.
Credits: “Child’s Play” (1988); “Child’s Play 2” (1990); “Child’s Play 3” (1991).
In this marquee matchup, Dracula pounces on the lumbering Frankenstein, aims his fangs at his neck and chips a tooth on a bolt. As Drac lisps in pain, scarhead flings the vampire out of the ring, then climbs the ropes to land a cannonball on his dazed foe. But at the moment before impact, Dracula turns into a bat and flies out of the way and the big lug crashes and comes apart at the seams.
Dracula advances.
Always a sucker for a cute blond, the big ape picks up Sil the Species Babe for some kissy-face. But when she slips him the tongue, it comes out the back of his head, and you can bang the gong for Kong in the biggest first-round upset.
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Sil advances.
A truly odd bout as the Creature, flailing his arms around like some hapless actor in a rubber suit, seems baffled by the immobile Pod. Suddenly, the Creature becomes sleepy and dozes off. When he wakes, he wanders out of the ring in a strange trance, presumably to convert fellow swamp creatures into Pod disciples. Pod wins by forfeit but declines to celebrate.
Pod advances.
A scowling, frenzied Chucky stabs Godzilla repeatedly in the toes with a kitchen knife. Godzilla, more irritated than pained, melts the plastic doll into a puddle with his atomic breath and paints the remains onto one of his footclaws.
Godzilla advances.
ROUND 2
Dracula arrogantly assumes he can seduce Sil, but she is unimpressed by his smooth talk and cheesy wardrobe. As he makes his move, she goes reptilian and a sharp tentacle shoots out of her chest to impale his heart. The Count goes down for the count.
Sil advances.
Pod’s mind-control tactics come up short against the pea brain of the universe’s largest lizard, who sees his adversary and has just one thought: snack food. The only drama comes as Godzilla desperately hunts down a vat of mayonnaise in which to dip Pod before he munches it.
Godzilla advances.
SEMI FINALS
SIL leads with her bare left leg, and Godzilla indicates his complete lack of interest by toppling a very tall building. Species Babe then morphs into reptile mode and trots seductively in front of him, but Godzilla’s days of chasing tail are long past. Finally, she comes at him with tentacles flying, and Godzilla leans over, flame-roasts her exo-skeleton and pops her into his mouth like over-buttered movie popcorn.
Godzilla advances.
ROUND 1
The Thing
Vitals: Frozen, carrotlike alien.
Credits: “The Thing (From Another World)” (1951); “The Thing” (1982).
Killer Tomatoes
Vitals: Red, menacing fruit seeking world domination. Credits: “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes” (1980); “Return of the Killer Tomatoes” (1988); “Killer Tomatoes Strike Back” (1990); “Killer Tomatoes Eat France” (1991).
Alien
Vitals: Gooey, snapping creature with a taste for space travelers.
Credits: “Alien” (1979);
“Aliens” (1986); “Alien 3” (1992);
“Alien Resurrection,” (1997).
Gammera
Vitals: Giant, jet-powered, fire-breathing, flying turtle. Credits: “Gammera the Invincible” (1965); “Gammera vs. Barugon” (1966); “Gammera vs. Gaos” (1967); “Gammera vs. Guiron” (1969); “Gammera vs. Zigra” (1971)
The Blob
Vitals: Gelatinous, ravenous ooze.
Credits: “The Blob” (1958); “Beware! The Blob” (1972); “The Blob” (1988).
Mothra
Vitals: Giant, flying, poisonous, telepathic moth.
Credits: “Mothra” (1962); “Godzilla vs. Mothra” (1964); “Destroy All Monsters” (1968).
Hannibal Lecter
Vitals: Brilliant psychotic criminalcannibal, and an interesting
conversationalist.
Credits: “The Silence of the Lambs” (1991).
The 50-foot Woman
Vitals: Very tall, indignant lady.
Credits: “Attack of the 50-Foot Woman” (1958); “Attack of the 50-Foot Woman” (1993).
This gastronomic battle royale proves once and for all that fruits are stronger than vegetables. Without his Arctic home-field advantage, the carrot-like Thing already has gone a bit soft, and he wilts under the pummeling of the Tomatoes.
Tomatoes advance.
The space turtle surprises Alien with its swiftness, but when Alien retreats into a bunch of seaweed, Gammera takes the bait: It eats Alien, does a little turtle victory jig and then watches in horror as the slimy creature bursts through his soft underbelly. Soup for everyone!
Alien advances.
The giant moth – whose motto is “Floats like a butterfly and ruins really large sweaters” – opens with a furious flurry of fluttering around the gelatinous mound. But when the Blob emits a supernatural glow, Mothra is drawn to it and ends up like an insect on a giant fly strip with digestive powers.
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Blob advances.
Hannibal “The Cannibal” needles the tall lady about her fake pearl necklace and cheap shoes, then sinks his teeth into her massive ankle. But the size differential is too much as the insulted behemoth crushes his tiny skull like a chianti grape.
50-Foot Woman advances.
ROUND 2
The Tomatoes realize their salad days are over as they fling themselves wildly at Alien but quickly learn that the goo dripping from the space monster’s jaws isn’t Italian dressing. Behind from the start, the Tomatoes never catch up, and Alien has a feast rich in Vitamin C.
Alien advances.
The 50-Foot Woman falls victim to her dated notion of 1950s femininity, suffering a self-image crisis at the worst possible moment. When the Blob splits in half to mount a two-flanked attack, she thinks she’s finally found the perfect implants for a woman her size. Very bad idea.
Blob advances.
SEMI FINALS
The cocksure Alien figures she can make quick work out of the quivering pile of muck but becomes frustrated when she can’t locate a stomach to pop out of. Instead, she opens wide her horrible mouth and sluices the slimy morass through her fangy grin. But once ingested, the Blob begins devouring Alien from inside, until, in a nifty bit of turnabout, the snarling space creature explodes like a popped water balloon.
Blob advances.
MAIN EVENT
If Godzilla breathed freon, the Blob would be nothing but a popsicle. Alas, Godzilla breathes fire, which only makes the Blob bubbly, and ‘Zilla has no choice but to heave buildings at the shapeless mass and stomp it with his bus-sized feet. The Blob is unharmed by this futile display of reptilian rage. All the foot crushing squishes the ravenous goop up between Godzilla’s Volkswagen Beetle-sized toes, beginning the slow, awesome process of absorbing the biggest lizard of them all – and creating a Jell-o mountain the size of the Himalayas. Slime does matter.
Blob wins.
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