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player ready...And now all the really big news from Toonerville-by-the-Sea, home to the little red trolley, Shamu and most of the surviving members of McHale’s Navy.
Question–What is the Super Bowl doing way out there, anyhow?
Answer–They ran out of places for Denver to lose and have had to start over.
Q–Isn’t this where we lost the America’s Cup?
A–And the Packers are glad New Zealand isn’t playing.
Q–Who will be singing the national anthem?
A–Jewel. Best known, of course, for fresh produce and the three-out-of-four wheeled cart.
Q–Who is this El Nino and what effect will he have on the game?
A–About as much as La Jolla, El Cajon or El Kabong.
Q–I understand El Nino was named by Peruvian fishermen. Who are these Peruvian fishermen?
A–The last AFC team to win a Super Bowl.
Q–How does Brett Favre look?
A–Like he’s been staring too long out of a duck blind.
Q–What was the deal with the helicopter spying on Denver’s practices?
A–It was only a TV news unit, but Denver panicked because, from the ground, it looked like Gilbert Brown.
Q–The Packers have the Lambeau Leap. We know what that is. But what is that business with the Denver players saluting each other in the end zone?
A–Terrell Davis calls it “the soldier thing.” He started doing it because running backs have a soldier’s mentality–they are drafted, they follow orders and they aren’t allowed to date officers.
Q–The last time the Super Bowl was out there, the place was called Jack Murphy Stadium. Now it is Qualcomm Stadium. What’s the difference?
A–Murphy was a sportswriter. Qualcomm is a sportspender.
Q–What is the deal with those goofy-looking Denver uniforms? I mean, bowling teams dress better than that.
A–Ah, but they have to rent the shoes.
Q–Didn’t some scientist who studies the psychology of color predict that Denver’s color scheme will capture most of the energy of the game?
A–Sure, and Santana Dotson won’t go back for seconds.
Q–Is one of the Denver mascots some guy wearing a barrel?
A–He prefers to think of it as a keg.
Q–Why doesn’t Mike Holmgren ride his motorcycle to practice anymore?
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A–His cheesehead won’t fit into the helmet.
Q–According to Denver’s Shannon Sharpe, the Super Bowl is “the biggest sporting event in the world.” Has he ever heard of the Olympics or the World Cup?
A–Shannon Sharpe has never heard of anything but Shannon Sharpe.
Q–How long have they called downtown San Diego the Gaslamp Quarter?
A–Ever since the goat that ran the generator died.
Q–Is beer really selling for $7 at the stadium?
A–But you have to keep the plastic cup.
Q–Can you actually take a trolley to the game?
A–Yes, but no coolers.
Q–Who is smarter, Green Bay or Denver?
A–This is best answered with some much-borrowed apocrypha. Denver coach Mike Shanahan wanted to show Mike Holmgren how sharp John Elway is. So he called Elway over and asked, “Who’s your father’s brother’s nephew?” And Elway answered, “Me, coach.”
Back in Green Bay, Holmgren gave the same test to Brett Favre. “Who’s your father’s brother’s nephew, Brett?” And Favre answered, “Don’t know, coach. Let me check the playbook.”
Favre then went and asked Reggie White: “Who’s your father’s brother’s nephew?” White answered immediately, “Me.”
Favre returned to Holmgren and said, “Coach, my father’s brother’s nephew is Reggie White.”
Holmgren slapped his forehead. “Geez, Brett,” he said. “Do you want people to think you’re a hick? Your father’s brother’s nephew is John Elway.”