Some things you suspect, some things you guess at and some things you just know.
No problem with Rod Beck fitting the Cubs; he can wear Don Zimmer’s old pants, pre-diet or post-firing.
Somebody should tell Venus Williams that she is not allowed to have Chicago as one of her least favorite places until she has been cut by Dave Wannstedt.
While sympathy for John Elway is reaching the level of sympathy for Ernie Banks, the old Cub never had to say, “What a great day for a Super Bowl. Let’s lose five.”
If Ben Hogan can walk 36 holes in one day on barely repaired legs to win the U.S. Open, Casey Martin should apologize for requesting a cart.
Dennis Rodman didn’t start until his legs were fresh; nor should Scottie Pippen.
With the Blackhawks contributing so many players to the Olympics, you can’t feel good about the chances of either the U.S. or Russia.
CBS overbid by $200 million a year for the AFC, otherwise known as the Our Town Conference, paying more for less than anyone since the last guy who bought the Brooklyn Bridge.
The new TV money has doubled the value of NFL franchises, making the Bears worth something like $400 million and making Mike McCaskey the smartest CEO in Chicago.
Whoever designed those ’round-the-world hot-air balloons must be the same people who built the Mir space station.
The next rich guy who goes up in a balloon should not be allowed to come back down.
Replacing the Nike slogan “Just Do It” with “I Can” not only trades a blunt command for a confident affirmation, but also answers the salesman’s question, “Are you sure you can overpay for these sneakers?”
It is only natural for Mike Tyson to give wrestling a taste.
Women basketball players dunking this weekend at the ABL All-Star Game proves what? That sopranos can belch, of course.
The last sports team out of Minneapolis has to take the Zamboni.
College football will miss Tom Osborne like Alaska misses the Exxon Valdez.
Opening Day White Sox shortstop will be Benji Gil; closing-day shortstop is another matter.
The only thing more precious than figure skating commentary would be triplets in the same stroller.
Man can put a robot on Mars, but he can’t invent a bagel that slices into two even halves.
If Bud Selig–already with the fourth-longest tenure of any baseball commissioner–takes the job after all, he might as well just change his name to Shemp.
Worth an early bet before the odds shrink: Favorite Trick in the Derby.
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Look at it this way: The Rose Bowl is not gaining a corporate sponsor, it is losing its dignity.
Michael Jordan in New York? Take Buckingham Fountain as well.
Boxers belong on tomato cans, not figure skaters.
Blackhawks goalie Jeff Hackett is nominated for an ESPY for a kick save, making the possibility of missing the playoffs for the first time in three decades superfluous.
Five words can cure any home run fever over Henry Rodriguez and Sammy Sosa: Albert Belle and Frank Thomas.
If freshly bearded George Karl does not return to Seattle, he can always get a job on the Pequod.
Farewells to Marv Levy, as the greatest egghead in pro football, and to Barry Switzer, the biggest yolk.