Press releases I expect to be showing up any day now:
The Florida Marlins denied that they are changing the name of their ballpark from Pro Player Stadium to Rented Mercenary Field, but they did confirm that in addition to all their players’ being for sale, the newly purchased World Series trophy will be sold to the highest bidder. All bids for the trophy must be sealed, starting at $89.7 million.
“That is a little more than what it cost us,” current Marlins owner Wayne Huizenga said, “but we had those bothersome celebration expenses and, of course, airfare and lodging for Livan Hernandez’s mother.
“Besides, we are entitled to a profit, or what’s the use of owning a baseball team, anyhow?”
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Bears President Michael McCaskey appeared in public, saw his shadow and predicted five more weeks of Dave Wannstedt.
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Citing the hiring of female referees as proof of its commitment to gender awareness, the NBA further announced it will use both tailors and seamstresses to police the length of players’ shorts.
Before introductions, all players will submit to the tale of the tape to make certain game uniform shorts are at least one inch above the knee, except for Dennis Rodman, who gets to include lace.
“We may tolerate a namby-pamby substance-abuse policy. We may be ready to close down over labor differences. We may not show alarm over the mortality of the flagship Bulls,” said a league spokesman, “but we do insist on retaining our prerogative to take an inside leg.”
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While not disputing the basic facts of an unauthorized TV movie about his life, boxing promoter Don King labeled the film “egregious, felonious and too short.”
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Northwestern football coach Gary Barnett denied he has any interest in coaching Nebraska, the New York Giants, North Carolina State, the New Orleans Saints, the New Jersey Devils, Newcastle-Upon-Tyne, the Naval Academy, Nova Scotia, Naples, Nubia, Nottingham Forest or Norway.
Barnett has called a press conference for Wednesday to deny having any interest in coaching teams whose names begin with “M” and “Mc.”
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The Bowl Alliance confirmed that if there is no consensus No. 1 college football team at the end of the season, Notre Dame will be invited to play in each of the bowls.
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Mike Ditka has filed a plagiarism suit against Mike Keenan for, as Ditka put it, “filching my nice-guy act.”
The suit claims that Keenan, upon being hired to coach the Vancouver Canucks hockey team, presented himself as patient, tolerant, understanding and more gentle than his image, just as Ditka did when hired by the New Orleans Saints.
“The world of sports ain’t big enough for two of us,” Ditka said, “and if Keenan thinks he is nicer than me, I’ll tear off his head and spit down his neck.”
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General Manager Ron Schueler declared he will not be able to complete his list of candidates to manage the White Sox until after the next census.
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Sports announcer Marv Albert wants it made clear that his appearance on the Andes Mountain Network’s “Good Morning, Bolivia” program will be his last public word on his court case, except for a pending commitment to a public-access cable show in Tierra del Fuego.
Albert also explained that when he acknowledged that he has known transvestites, he meant it in the same sense as knowing vegetarians and jockeys.
“That does not mean you are inclined to eat celery and wear small, shiny pants,” Albert said, “though you could.”