Another coach would have won more than one game with this Bears’ football team. Everyone knows that.
Steve Stenstrom would be the quarterback by now. And a great quarterback he would be too. Not only this season, but seasons yet unscheduled.
Erik Kramer would be the happy veteran backup, willing to pitch in when needed, although Kramer never would be needed by another coach.
Alonzo Spellman would rip his shoulder off for another coach just to prove to him that it really hurts. Spellman would speak to another coach.
Walt Harris never would be called for interference again.
Bryan Cox would be crazier than he is, but in a good way, fully endorsed by another coach. Cox would not be fined by another coach for losing his temper. Cox would be given a bonus. Cox would be on his way to the Pro Bowl.
Cox would be worth his salary. Cox could cover a pass for another coach.
Curtis Conway would not be injured if he had another coach. Nor would John Thierry be injured, nor Rashaan Salaam nor Tight End I, Tight End II and Tight End III.
All injuries would be eliminated by another coach.
Curtis Conway already would have broken the team record for receptions, touchdowns and end-zone dances, while Raymont Harris would be denying that he is better than both Barry Sanders and Emmitt Smith, but thanks for thinking so.
The safeties would make fewer tackles than the linebackers for another coach. Carl Reeves and Jim Flanigan would be neck-and-neck to lead the league in sacks.
Rick Mirer would have played one half, no more, for another coach. Another coach would have seen the obvious, been offended by the obvious, never again would speak to the person responsible for Mirer, including the Mirer family, the Notre Dame recruiter and the pilot who flew the plane from Seattle.
Another coach would know how to hold a grudge.
No one would be calling another coach a decent man. No one would be defending the right of a football coach to be reasonable and pleasant. Another coach would be biting off his enemies noses or stuffing their microphones in their ears.
Another coach would not go through press inquisitions with grace and patience, would never give himself a vote of confidence, would not tolerate contempt disguised as sympathy.
Kickers would not bedevil another coach. All of Todd Sauerbrun’s punts would be high and deep and unreturnable. Jeff Jaeger’s leg would be a howitzer for another coach.
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John Mangum would be faster. Anthony Marshall would be more alert. Barry Minter would make every open-field tackle. Another coach would see to that.
Every game plan would be flawless by another coach. Every response would be a play ahead of the opposition. Halftime adjustments would be visionary.
Tyrone Hughes would never fair catch, never fumble, never misread his blockers, never blame anyone but himself, not that there would be anything to blame under another coach.
Fans would love another coach. They would not hoot at him as he leaves the field and chant sing-songy goodbyes to him, call him names they wouldn’t call lawyers.
The owner would be loved, too, for hiring another coach. He could walk among his constituents, show his face, on which the sun would always shine.
A grateful community would build him a new stadium with plush suites to lounge in and profit from. The city would be so grateful to the owner it would give him whatever kind of lease he wants.
Intuition, dedication, imagination and perfection, that’s what the Bears would get from any coach other than the one they have.
It’s a no-brainer.