Dennis Rodman, the original odd sock, is back with the Bulls for another season, and neither side has yet seen fit to apologize.
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Rodman will be playing for considerably more than his last suggested wage, which was for free.
Rodman has agreed to a new contract that is heavy with incentives, and if he meets them all, he could make more money than he did last year. Not that money matters, but every little bonus helps.
According to an uninformed source, to inspire Rodman to be as good as the Bulls want him to be, Rodman’s contract contains the following conditions and inducements:
Rodman will refrain from identifying any religious, ethnic or political group with disparaging or malicious adjectives.
For example, if he joins the Bulls on the upcoming trip to Paris, he may refer to his hosts only as “the French” but not “them garlic-gulping freakazoids,” no matter if he is standing downwind.
On the other hand, he may say whatever he likes about (1) Druids or (2) Jeff Van Gundy and use a thesaurus in Van Gundy’s case. Bonus: $1 million.
Gestures will be separated into two forbidden categories, obscene and suspicious. Obscene gestures are those pretty well known by all, which would include most fingers, forearms and the occasional tongue.
Suspicious gestures would be any pantomime capable of being closed-captioned, such as gyrating, regurgitating or imitating Marv Albert.
Ties will be broken by consulting Bryan Cox. Bonus: $350,000.
When leaving the arena after being ejected for any reason, Rodman will remain silent, contrite and fully clothed. Bonus: $40,000.
Any use of profanity must come with an advance warning so that children and live television can be removed. When approaching a vulgarity in the course of normal speech, Rodman must stop and use the code phrase “Mary Tyler Moore” before continuing.
Either that or learn to talk on a 7-second delay. Bonus: $750,000.
Any new tattoo, carved scalp message or body piercing will have to pass a strict, predetermined code of morality.
No weapons, no smut, no advertising, no Internet addresses. Bonus: $275,000.
If Rodman should find himself tripping over a courtside cameraman, reporter or mascot, he will, before striking out, politely inquire what the action will cost him and then act as any mature individual would, call his lawyer and have him kick where it hurts. Bonus: $333,333.
Rodman may read a book but not write one. Bonus: $55,000.
All staged media events will be postponed until after the season ends, which includes appearances on television talk shows, in wrestling matches, at night club openings, guest starring on sitcoms, hosting birthday blowouts, attending fashion shows or conducting cosmetic makeovers.
Cross-dressing will be restricted to wearing corduroy with a tool belt. Bonus: $1.2 million.
Respect will be paid to all officials of the league, of the team and of the game. They are not to be kneed or elbowed or accidentally stepped on. Nothing is to be thrown at them or left under the hood of their cars in the parking lot.
Rodman may not head-butt anyone, even if they are asking for it.
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But, borrowing on Michael Jordan’s “Love of the Game” clause, Rodman has included a “Love of Me” provision, in which he is allowed, whenever he feels like it, to hug himself all over. Bonus: $2 million.