Even less significant than the return of Mike Ditka to Soldier Field would be, oh, let’s see, a food stain on a tent stake, air pressure in a spare tire, the double cup on a carryout latte, though those things can blister.
Any Bears fan nostalgic for the Days of Ditka got a double dose Sunday night. It was as if Ditka were coaching both sides, the Chicago Feebles and the New Orleans Gauche.
It will be recorded as a football game–won by New Orleans–but it should be remembered if at all as a near collision of two clunkers not worth their spare parts.
If Ditka had the Bears and Dave Wannstedt had the Saints, the result would have been just as irrelevant.
This is the kind of game that gives football a bad name–soccer.
“I don’t know what to tell you,” Wannstedt said.
Maybe gestures would help. I suggest fingers down the throat. Aarrghh. Barrrrrffff.
While Ditka now has a better record over his old team than his old team has over him, the victory comes with a price, a distancing from the top draft choice, now a grope among the Bears, the Colts and the Falcons, all winless.
What either the Bears or Saints could use more than coaching genius is genuine talent, and by winning the Saints are further from both than are the Bears.
Regrets may be due Peyton Manning of Tennessee, the impending prize for so much galloping ineptness. The gall of either of these teams drafting Manning would be the same as sending a summons to a seance.
Wannstedt cleverly wasted the first half with Rick Mirer at quarterback, a strategy countered by the Saints, who blundered and fumbled out of habit more than design.
By the time Erik Kramer was indulged to start the second half, the Bears didn’t need a spark as much as kindling and a bellows.
“In the first half we had field position and turnovers and nothing happens,” Wannstedt said. “That’s why I made the change.”
Wannstedt said he would study the films again before making a decision at quarterback.
Mirer should never be allowed to stand under center again, even with a handicap permit and malpractice insurance, unless, of course, the Bears are serious about this Manning prospect.
Mirer cannot help but inspire a bit of admiration, for no matter how unfit he is for the job, he keeps going out there as long as anyone will let him and accepts the accompanying boos.
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As for Kramer, while he appeared suspiciously professional, that is, not as much like chum in a bait bucket as does Mirer, the results were only slightly more auspicious.
Mirer got his usual field goal, his third in three games, and Kramer directed a pair of fourth-quarter touchdowns, sneaking one in himself.
Rumors that Kramer would be or should be traded do not alter the fact that whoever plays quarterback for the Bears from here on will not greatly provoke any actual or enduring adequacy.
Ditka managed, for him, reasonable conduct most of the evening, berating his quarterback, Heath Shuler, only no more than Shuler deserved and not abusing any official until the Bears finally managed to turn a turnover into a touchdown.
At that point Ditka raged in familiar form, bellowing and bristling while turning several shades of citrus. Ditka did not relax until Shuler had hit Randal Hill for the winning touchdown, a team record 89-yards, Ditka running at least 40 of those yards along with Hill.
“I know it wasn’t a pretty day,” Ditka said. “We got lucky on a play. Simple as that.”
Ditka and Wannstedt spent a full 5 1/2 minutes chatting before the game, which cannot be called a meeting of the minds as much as a close encounter of the wretched kind, though it would indicate that Ditka’s attention span has gotten longer.