Press releases I expect to be receiving any day now:
In order to head off any further quarterback controversy, the Bears have announced that no longer will there be a quarterback position on the National Football League team. Hereafter, whoever is at quarterback will be known as “chump” and any quarterback substitutions will be referred to as “chump change.”
In related news, coach Dave Wannstedt has not only received a vote of confidence from Mike McCaskey, but, because this is Chicago, three votes of confidence.
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The Cubs have denied reports Jim Riggleman can’t take a hint.
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A spokesman for Michael Jordan confirmed Jordan has listed himself on the New York Stock Exchange. Rather than endorse others’ products, Jordan instead will market all future merchandise under his own incorporated title, Air Everywhere.
“It is obvious the world wants to dress like Mike, smell like Mike, replace its batteries like Mike, refresh its thirst like Mike, hitch up its underwear like Mike, make phone calls like Mike, drive like Mike, eat like Mike and soap up like Mike,” the spokesman said.
Because the familiar shadow box Jordan slam dunk logo belongs to Nike, Jordan has replaced it with a reclining figure leaning on one elbow counting his money.
There is, however, no truth to the rumor that instead of wearing the familiar No. 23 this season, Jordan will wear a bar code.
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Major League Baseball’s plans for realignment were rescued by a last-minute compromise between Cosmo Kramer and Zeppo Marx.
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The Council for Native American Awareness has agreed to no longer protest sports teams such as the Washington Redskins using offensive nicknames. There will be no objections to mocking mascots such as the Cleveland Indians’ Chief Wahoo.
Furthermore, no native American will take offense at such belittling antics as Chief Illiniwek’s dance and Atlanta’s Tomahawk Chop in return for what is historically known as the Louisiana Purchase, minus Arkansas, of course.
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Audio experts have confirmed that tennis commentator Mary Carillo’s voice is now deep enough for her to narrate NFL films, but officials at Disney World have agreed that she is still not yet ready to greet visitors to the Haunted Mansion.
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Citing the little used “throw-in-the-towel” rule in the basic agreement, the American League declared it will not count any Sox baseball games after Aug. 1 in the standings and that all statistics are to be frozen as of that date.
Consequently, fans are being advised not to recognize Frank Thomas as batting champion, Albert Belle as trustworthy or Terry Bevington as substantially human.
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Astonished to find, two weeks before the Bulls’ training camp opens, that the foot that bothered him during last season’s playoffs is still sore, Scottie Pippen has admitted that surgery is a possibility or a much longer rest might be required. It is possible that Pippen might be out of the team until after the new year.
A source close to Pippen said that what was even more amazing is the closer the Bulls come to signing Dennis Rodman, the worse the pain seems to get.
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The University of Notre Dame has announced it is changing its slogan from “It’s not football, it’s Notre Dame football” to simply “It’s not football.”