As long as there is a Rashaan Salaam, there will be a need to keep the Salaam List of Extensive Whys, or SLEW, acronymically speaking. I volunteer to keep the list up to date.
The persistent advice to get off Salaam’s back is, after all, directed at the wrong people. It should be aimed at those who tackle Salaam, not at the press, who have yet to lay a hand on him, or at the fans, distantly vocal, or at Dave Wannstedt, his last and most important defender.
Included within SLEW are only Salaam’s 13 official fumbles since he became a Bear, that is to say, fumbles in official league games, not preseason or in practice. We are not animals here.
Ignored also are fumbles whistled back or credited to someone else. We cannot, however, disregard the few of them that have happened without Salaam being touched by anyone other than his own gremlins.
SLEW is completely impartial and contains neither alibis nor excuses, but merely explanations and is only coincidentally exactly as long as Salaam’s list of fumbles.
Why No. 1–Youth. Salaam is still only 22 years old, the age of most college seniors. He is still the second-youngest Bear. He should be in the library right now, not to be taken as a hint or a suggestion. In fact, had Salaam stayed at Colorado, this would be only his second season as a Bear and he would be owed five full fumbles.
Why No. 2–Sensitivity. He cares too much. Every fumble is a self-inflicted wound. Salaam is really, really sorry every time it happens. He would cut his hands off to keep from fumbling, not that it is possible to tell that he hasn’t already.
Why No. 3–Eight-man football. Actually, this would be eight-child football because that is the game Salaam played in high school, and averaged 13 yards a carry at it. This early training did not prepare him properly for the extra three defenders or how far away the corner is.
Why No. 4–High expectations. He was a Heisman Trophy winner. He was a first-round draft choice. He was mentioned on draft day in the same breath with Walter Payton and Gale Sayers. The last guy Salaam was supposed to be is Gino Torretta.
Why No. 5–Math skills. Salaam knows in his heart and by using both of his thumbs that two featured backs are at least one too many.
Why No. 6–Unequal sacrifice. Salaam blocks better for Raymont Harris than Harris blocks for Salaam. And Salaam is too considerate to say anything (see Why No. 2).
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Why No. 7–Eagerness. Salaam came back too soon from injury. He also came back too soon from the locker room.
Why No. 8–Too, too solid flesh will melt. Trying to play at 225 pounds, Salaam felt too full of himself. He always feels much better not carrying the extra weight or the extra football.
Why No. 9–Bear weather. A Californian who was not in Colorado long enough to embrace winter, Salaam shivers in the shade and loves his mittens.
Why No. 10–Underuse. Salaam is convinced that he needs the ball 20 to 25 times a game to be effective. At 2 yards a carry, he would become a 1,000-yard running back well within this century.
Why No. 11–Codependency. It takes two to fumble. Usually. If only the other team would just stick to tackling Salaam instead of removing him from the football, he could get on with his career.
Why No. 12–Exaggeration. Take away the botched handoff or mishandled pitch and Salaam’s fumble total may dip below double figures.
Why No. 13–Irrelevance. In actual games cost the Bears by his fumbles, Salaam still can count those on one hand, the hand not holding the ball. Usually.