It’s getting late now, and what’s fair is fair. If a Colorado doctor can operate on Chicago’s Russian, then a Chicago doctor should be allowed to cut one of Colorado’s Russians.
The Blackhawks hereby nominate Valeri Kamensky. But first, they’ve got to catch him.
He was as elusive as trying to eat borscht with a fork Thursday night, when his hat trick helped the inspired Avalanche humiliate the Hawks 7-0. The Hawks were lucky to get 0. They mustered 25 shots, none memorable.
It’s like the lottery, folks. You can’t win if you don’t play.
“I thought we were ready, but we weren’t,” said Capt. Chris Chelios. “We were awful. No excuses.”
Indeed, this Game 5 was so lopsided, the Hawks couldn’t in good conscience even drag out that tired old hymn about referee brutality. It was such a clean kill, not a single Colorado goal required review via that banal rule polluting the NHL playoffs.
You go to a hockey game now, and a conference call breaks out. There was none of that Thursday night, though the Hawks could have phoned this one in. They competed only in the broadest sense. They were dumb in Game 1 here, but for Game 5, dumb would not describe them. Try invisible.
Oh, things got a mite hairy in the third period when Bob Probert, sniper extraordinaire, probably realized he wasn’t going to be able to win it or even tie it. So he became somewhat ornery. Is that what altitude does, restricts blood flow to the brain?
Whatever, it was as though films of the two games in Chicago were reversed. All those 3-on-1 forays the Hawks enjoyed at home became odd numbered situations against here. When one Hawk crossed the enemy blue line, which wasn’t often, he ran into the Colorado team bus and wound up under it.
So, the bad news is, it could all end for the Hawks Saturday night in Game 6. The good news is, it will not only be held in Chicago, but televised in Chicago, to Chicago, for Chicago by SportsChannel. I am not making this up. You needn’t float a loan for a ticket. You will be able to watch at home, without having to sell your home.
“They taught us a good lesson back there last week,” said Patrick Roy. “We went in there a little soft, and they outworked us.”
The Hawks have to work, or they turn to mush. Game 5 was ridiculously easy for Roy, reportedly the Colorado goalie, and a snap for the video review squad too. Entering Thursday night, there had been 21 phone calls to mission control thus far in the playoffs, and this is only the first round.
Until the rule is changed this summer, we have a suggestion. Let every game go uninterrupted by telephone calls and pauses to review goals. Also, do not reveal to fans which goals count and which don’t. Make it like boxing, where judges’ official cards are kept secret until a bout is complete. The event is staged now, scores come later.
Think of the added suspense. Nobody would leave the rink or turn the television to another program. Owners like Dollar Bill Wirtz, who have been deprived of small fortunes by treasonous doctors, could get it all back at concession stands from customers hanging around until 11 p.m. to learn who won a game that started at 7:30 p.m.
Now, on the chance that the NHL is dumb enough to adopt this idea, please remember where you read it first.
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