Slats Grobnik was scribbling furiously on a bar napkin. ”Wait, I`ll be done in a minute,” he said. ”I got the creative juices flowin`.”
Are you charting today`s horse picks?
”No, I`m writing one of those letters to the editor. First time I ever done that.”
He finished and signed his name with a flourish. ”There, it`s done. Now I gotta get a couple of stamps and send `em out to both newspapers.”
May I ask what the topic is?
”Yeah. Letters to the editor.”
I know. But what is it about?
”It`s about the kind of letters they print. Here, you want me to read it to you?”
I`m all ears.
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”OK, here goes. `Dear editor. My favorite part of your newspaper is the page where you print the letters from your readers.` Hey, that don`t hurt your feelings, does it?”
Not at all. It`s one of my favorite parts too.
”I mean, your column is my second favorite. Nah, the racing news is my second favorite. Then the obits. Then the comics. Then Ann Landers, then you. No, after Ann Landers, it`s the sports section then you. No, after the sports section, it`s . . .”
Whatever, I appreciate it. Why don`t you read your letter?
”Oh, yeah. OK, the letter goes on:
” `I have noticed something about the letters your paper prints and it kind of bothers me.
” `I will read that page and there will be a letter from somebody saying something about how casino gambling in Chicago will be a terrible thing and cause prostitution, families being homeless, and much human misery and we can`t tolerate it.
” `Or like this week, there will be letters from people who are saying that this flood was caused by Chicago politicians and everybody ought to be investigated and they won`t tolerate any more goofups like this.
” `Now, here is what I noticed about these letters that is kind of strange. About 80 percent of them come from people who live in suburbs. Some of them don`t even live in Cook County.
” `I don`t think that`s right. How come your newspaper prints letters from some bozo in Skokie or Northbrook about whether we should have casino gambling in the city of Chicago? Or duh great city of Chicagah, as our late and great leader used to call it.
” `And why are you printing letters from some yahoos in Lombard or Hoffman Estates about who`s the blame for the flood? They didn`t get flooded, and they ain`t gonna pay for it.
” `Where do these suburban types get off, sticking their honkers into my business? That`s right, my business, because I live here, I pay my taxes here, and I walk down the street at night here not knowing if I`m gonna get whacked on the head and somebody`s gonna grab my poke, which is another name for the wallet, which somebody in Northbrook don`t know. Of course, nobody`s gonna do that to me because my dog will rip out their throats, but that`s a different matter.
” `I resent this. My whole life, I never sent a letter to any suburban paper telling them that putting in all those shopping centers makes this country ugly, and that I figure some of those suburban politicians ought to be investigated for the way they have been zoning the old cornfields.
” `And I never sent any letters to those suburban papers asking how come their cops don`t do nothing about all the big-time gambling that goes on at the private golf clubs they got out there. Hey, a casino will be more legit than a country club handicap.
” `I figure that`s none of my business because I don`t live in those towns, I don`t pay my taxes there, and I don`t gawk at my neighbor`s teenage daughter there.
” `So why do you even print letters from these suburban types telling duh great city of Chicagah, as the great man used to call it, how it should run its own business?
” `It ain`t nobody`s business in Deerfield or Oak Brook or Hinsdale or Palos Hills if we have casino gambling in Chicago. If they want to make it their business, tell them to move into town. Hey, I don`t tell them when to mow their lawns.
” `And how this flood was handled ain`t their business either. When they get flooded basements in the suburbs, I don`t write letters to their newspapers asking how come somebody is dumb enough to buy a house right next to a river?
” `What`s their problem? Is it so boring out there that they ain`t got nothing to grouse about so they grouse about what we do in Chicago, or duh great city of Chicagah, as the late lamented used to call it?
” `If they wanna stick their beaks in something they don`t pay for, they don`t live with, they don`t vote on, and they don`t pay no dues to do, then I got a suggestion.
” `There ought to be a suburban letters to the editor tax. A buttinski tax. A suburban johnny butts in where he ain`t got no business, it costs him a ten-spot.
” `Or maybe when you print these letters, you can put them in a special section with a headline that says: ”Here are letters about duh great city of Chicagah, as the big guy use to call it, from a bunch of weed pullers and crab grass killers who wouldn`t know the Back of the Yards from the back of their pants.”
” `So stop printing those letters. I don`t need no suburban Weber Grill expert giving me lectures on morality or good government or floods or city politics or anything else.
” `We ain`t a zoo for outsiders to gawk at. And at the zoo, at least they throw peanuts and marshmallows, not dumb letters.
” `So in conclusion, I got one thing to say to all you miserable toll road-hoppers: Get a life.` ”
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”So, what`ya think of my letter?”
I couldn`t have said it better myself.
”It`s that bad?”