At first, I didn`t recognize him with his stubbly beard, shaggy hair, rumpled clothes, and bloodshot eyes. Then he raised his glass in a weary greeting. Yes, it was George DeSoot, prominent businessman, civic leader, political activist, family man, and all-around swell guy.
”It`s me,” he said, seeing the look of disbelief on my face. ”Come over and buy yourself a drink. I`d buy, but I can no longer afford such extravagant gestures.”
I joined him and, as diplomatically as I could, asked what had brought him to such a sorry state.
”What do you mean by that?” he asked.
You know what I mean. I am shocked by your seedy appearance. If you stopped me on the street, I would have given you a dollar.
”Good,” he said, ”because that means my efforts have not been in vain.”
Your efforts? You look like a bum.
”Exactly.”
Tell, what has happened. It has been a while since I last saw you. Did your thriving business falter? Did your happy marriage collapse? Did you develop an incurable slice and suffer the shame of a high handicap?
”No, it was much deeper and more profound than that. I`m not sure you would understand.”
Try me.
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”All right. I took a good look at myself and began experiencing guilt, shame, remorse and self-loathing.”
For what?
He choked back a sob and said: ”For being white, a male and successful.”
Is that all?
”Is that all, you ask? Isn`t that enough-that I and those who are like me have brought on almost all of our society`s evils and injustices; greedy exploiters; defenders of the status quo; oppressors of everyone who isn`t white, male and successful?
I hadn`t noticed. How did you manage to do all that?
”How? Just by being what I was. Don`t you follow current affairs, national debates, the issues? Look in today`s paper. There, a story about the chairman of Chicago`s City Colleges. See what the National Organization for Women said about him? Right there. Read it.”
Yes, the executive director of NOW`s Chicago office told the college board: ”Do not allow yourself to be influenced by a chairman who is white, rich and male.”
”See? She has him pegged, the swine. And it`s happening everywhere. We are being exposed for what we are.”
When did you make this self-analysis.
”It began when my kids came home from college on spring break and told me they had taken a course in political correctness and were ashamed to have a father who was white, male and successful, and why didn`t I go dance with wolves like a decent guy.”
Kids, they`ll break your heart.
”Then my wife told me she was sick and tired of staying home and making cookies and having teas.”
I always thought she made swell cookies.
”And a group of my employees formed a Fairness and Happiness on the Job Study Group and told me that it did not seem fair that I should be rich when they weren`t.”
But you started and built that company.
”Don`t make hollow excuses for me. Then I went to a board meeting of that charity, Businessmen for Hope and Joy, and I was pelted by six different groups for being insensitive and disrespectful by flaunting my white, male, successsful condition. And that is when I looked in a mirror and realized that I was scum.”
What did you do?
”Well, I couldn`t find a wolf, so I went next door and tried to dance with my neighbors` Doberman, but he bit me on the leg, which confirmed my sense of unworthiness. And I decided to renounce my evil ways and change myself into someone more worthy of respect.”
By not shaving?
”No. I knew I could not stop being white, since I happened to be born that way. And while I could stop being a male, I`ve always had a terrible fear of surgery, so I ruled that out. But there was one thing I could change.”
And that is?
”Being successful. When I thought about it, I realized that was my major flaw. You seldom hear anyone criticized for being a white male who is a failure or a mediocrity, not even if he`s a Cub. So I rejected my success.”
How do you do that?
”I stopped going to my office. I`d sleep late, play Nintendo all afternoon, then come and hang out here until last call.”
What happened to your business.
”Went belly up. And the day it happened, I called the employees together and told them that I was proud to announce that I was no longer rich and asked them to share in my joy before I turned out the lights.”
Were they impressed?
”Actually, no. I guess you can`t please everybody. Then I went home and told my kids and wife that I was no longer an exploiter and oppressor.”
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And they shared your happiness?
”No, they tried to get me committed, so I grabbed what I could stuff in a suitcase and fled. And I`ve been at peace with myself ever since.”
I guess that`s what matters the most.
”Yes, so let`s drink to the big day less than two weeks off.”
What day is that?
”April 15. For the first time in my adult life, I don`t have to pay a nickel. I might even write a book.”
What will you call it?
”Failure: The Road to Success.”