”I did it,” Slats Grobnik said, the ring of triumph in his voice. ”I got through the whole thing without knowing what`s going on.”
You got through what thing?
”This creep in Milwaukee. The trial`s over now. He`s going to prison. He`s going to disappear from the newspapers and the TV, and I got through it all without reading one word about him.”
Not even one word? I find that hard to believe.
”Only the headlines. I had to look at the headlines so I`d know what I wasn`t going to read. And when I watched the news, I sat there with the zapper in my hand. The second the guy says, `and now for the latest in the the Dahmer trial,` zap, I`d be gone. I`d switch over to that Nick station and watch reruns of `Mork and Mindy` or something.”
Then you don`t know how he lured. . . .
”Shuttup.”
Or the way he would use his kitchen to prepare. . . .
”Zip it, or I deck ya.”
You`re serious.
”You bet I am.”
I didn`t realize how squeamish you were.
”It ain`t being squeamish, although that`s not the kind of stuff I want to read over my morning oatmeal. It`s knowing what I gotta know about and what I don`t. If I read every word and watched every minute of the trial on that courtroom station, would I be a better-informed, more well-rounded person?”
Possibly. You would know more about the difficulty of establishing whether someone is legally sane or insane.
”Sure, that`s why those TV guys were running out of the courtroom to get on camera to give us every creepy detail. They were thinking: `We want to enlighten the viewers about the difficulty of establishing one`s state of mind when one is killing and eating people.` I knew all I had to know. The guy was nuts.”
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No, the jury found that he was not insane.
”Yeah, I know. I saw the headline. And my wife told me. She read all the stories. You know how she is about collecting recipes. But just because the jury says he`s not insane don`t mean he`s not nuts.”
You seem to be contradicting yourself.
”Let me explain. What if I invite you over to the house and I take you in the kitchen and I say: `See that big pot? I been killing guys and cooking
`em in it.` And I showed you something that would make you believe it. You know, leftovers. What would you say?”
You mean after I ran out of your house and down the middle of the street screaming?
”Yeah. What would you say about my mental state?”
I suppose I`d say that you were, uh, that you had, uh. . . .
”You`d say I was nuts, right?”
I suppose, something like that.
”So why should I watch TV or read a paper to find out what some nut has been doing?”
But in a court of law, while trying to resolve the question of whether someone is insane, you just can`t say he is nuts. You would have to define what you mean by nuts.
”That`s easy. If somebody does something really nutty, then he`s nuts.” If you believe that, then you believe the jury shouldn`t have found him to be sane. Therefore, he shouldn`t be sent to a prison for life, since we don`t treat insane people that way.
”I didn`t say that. You don`t have to be insane to be nuts.”
This is not easy to follow.
”Look, I know he`s nuts, my brother Fats knows he`s nuts and if I go down the bar here and take a survey, everybody will say, yeah, sure, he`s nuts. I bet everybody on that jury thought he was nuts. Anybody who ain`t nuts knows he`s nuts. And there are probably some nuts who would tell you he`s nuts.”
You seem to be saying that anyone who commits unspeakable crimes is, to use your word, nuts.
”Yeah. Some are nuttier than others. A guy who sticks up a grocer and then whacks him on the head for the fun of it is a little nuts. The guy in Milwaukee, he`s real nuts.”
Then you don`t want to lock any criminals up because they are deranged. If it were up to you, our criminal justice system would be in disarray.
”You got it mixed up again. I`m just saying there ought to be a separate categories. That way, when someone comes in and tries to get off by saying he`s insane, the judge could say: `Nah, you ain`t insane. You`re just nuts. And if I don`t lock a nut like you up for good, then I`ll be nuts.` ”
That`s a very loose standard.
”No, it`s easy. You go up to 100 normal people and ask them if some savings and loan swindler is nuts. They`ll all say that he`s just a crook. Then you say: `By the way, you mind if I eat your leg?` And they`ll say: `You must be nuts.` See? It`s real simple.”
It`s a good thing for our criminal justice system that you`re not a lawyer.
”Nah, it`s a good thing for the lawyers that I`m not a lawyer.”