”You got some sense of timing,” Slats said with obvious disgust. ”I`m ashamed to admit I even know ya.”
What is it now? Did I neglect to buy my round?
”The work ethic, that`s what. Are you trying to give the Japanese ammunition to use against us?”
How can you say that? I will put my record as a Japan-basher against anyone`s, except maybe Lee Iacocca.
”Then how come, just when the Japanese are saying that Americans don`t work hard enough, you start goofing off?”
I don`t know what you`re talking about. I have spent the day looking for human foibles that I can chronicle. That`s not easy; some days I can`t find even one foible or a tiny foib.
”Don`t give me that. What happened to Monday?”
You noticed.
”Actually, I didn`t. A guy at work did. He saw you wasn`t in the paper, and he asked me if you croaked or something. I told him I didn`t know, but if you didn`t show up here, maybe you did croak and I`d let him know tomorrow.” I`m touched by your concern.
”So if you`re sittin` here, I know you didn`t croak. But you didn`t have nothing in the paper on Monday, so that means you`re goofing off. How come?” I am not, as you put it, goofing off. I will still have an essay in the paper on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.
”But not on Monday, huh?”
On some Mondays, yes. If I have an extra foible. But not on a regular basis.
”And you don`t call that goofing off? How`s your math?”
About as good as yours. As you may recall, we both got through algebra with D-pluses, which Mr. Swanson charitably gave us because he said he couldn`t stand seeing our glassy, uncomprehending eyes for another semester.
”Yeah, well I can still do percentages. And the way I figure, you just knocked off your productivity by 20 percent. You know what would happen if everybody in this country did that? The Dow would fall. The Jones would go belly up.”
Yes, but I`m not part of the gross national product. Look it up. Nothing in those statistics about foibles.
”Well, you`re gross enough to be in the gross national product. So I`m gonna ask one more time-why are you goofing off?”
All right, if you must know, I did it to improve the mental well-being of the readers.
”What are you talking about? If you wanted to do that, you`d disappear for good. Why only on Mondays?”
Because Monday is the most difficult of workdays. People suffer from post-weekend leisure depression. Studies have shown that the shuffling rate of people shuffling into their jobs increases by 18 percent. The stooped-shoulder rate, downcast-eyes rate and deep-sigh rate go up dramatically.
”I never heard of that.”
You don`t read the right scholarly journals. So I thought that it was my patriotic duty to not contribute to that which noted psychologists call the Monday blues and miseries. And I`m doing this by not subjecting readers to any views that would aggravate, irritate or offend their sensibilities.
”Don`t give me that. You never in your life worried about offending their sensibilities. If you did, you`d have found a regular job.”
I didn`t think you`d buy it. All right, let`s try this. At The New York Times, the Washington Post and other prestigious publications, the standard is two columns a week. If I had been at The New York Times the last 28 years, I would have a backlog of columns taking me to the year 2032, although I doubt that anyone will be able to read by then.
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”Is that so? And the rest of the time these guys sit around saloons?
Their livers must be the size of watermelons.”
No, they spend the rest of the time thinking. And this schedule will allow me to spend more time pondering the great issues rather than merely seeking foibles.
”Yeah, but that don`t apply to you because you never think before you write something. You don`t even think when you`re writing it. You always told me that you can`t think and write at the same time, that thinking confuses you.”
I was just being whimsical.
”Well, you could fool me and everybody else that reads the stuff. So don`t give me that thinking routine. I ain`t noticed you thinking one thought you wouldn`t have thought of on a Monday, if you thought at all, which you don`t.”
All right, let`s try this: I am now, always have been, and always will be a lazy person. And this will give me more time to do what I enjoy doing more than anything else: absolutely nothing.
”So the Japanese are right.”
In my case, yes.
”And you ain`t ashamed of yourself?”
Not one bit.
”What kind of shiftless attitude is that?”
Ask Dan Quayle.