It hit me in our daughter’s new dorm room as we were dropping her off recently for her freshman year of college. The time for my wife and me to say goodbye was fast approaching.
Our daughter was lying on her freshly made bed with the new pink comforter. Her head was on my wife’s lap. Her legs were dangling off the bed, her sneakers still on. I looked at her and gave her foot a little squeeze, and a series of images instantly flashed through my mind.
The precious, perfect little feet of a newborn. A baby’s first footsteps. The tiny shoes of a toddler. The sound of a teenager bounding down the stairs of our home. These familiar sneakers I was squeezing right then that would stay in that dorm room that night.
More Top Picks Meepo Vs Evolve Electric Skateboards
And that’s when the waterworks started. Tears welled up from deep within me, a feeling of love so strong it ached.
Anyone who has dropped off a kid at college knows this feeling. This was not my first rodeo. We had seen off our older son to college a couple of years earlier, so I knew it was coming. But this is our only daughter, and it hit me hard.
I’m 53 now. I’ve been to weddings, funerals and graduations. I’ve watched plenty of tearjerker films. And yet, there’s nothing that feels quite like a college drop-off.
The mother of our daughter’s new roommate confessed to us that she had been crying repeatedly in recent weeks. Her thoughts would turn to her daughter, and the tears would just flow. At home. In the grocery store. Even at the bank.
“Why do we feel like this?” she asked my wife and me.
The best explanation I can come up with for this complicated, conflicted feeling is that this major milestone stirs up a unique maelstrom of emotions, all at once. Emotions that pile on top of each other and simply knock you out. I’ve tried to make sense of it, and this is the best I can do.
Pride: We are extremely proud of our children and all they’ve accomplished to get to this point. The hard work, long hours of studying, and all the time devoted to high school sports and extracurriculars have paid off. They are college kids now! And we are proud of ourselves, too, for raising such remarkable kids. All those changed diapers, bedtime stories, packed lunches, rides to soccer practice and help with science fair projects have led to this moment.
Joy/excitement: College was among the best four years of my life, as it was for many others. I learned a ton, grew up and made lifelong friends. There’s a lot of fun stuff too! Parties and football games and concerts and maybe even a chance to study abroad. Once you get into the real world, life isn’t like that so much. We are so excited that our kids get to experience this. Maybe even a little jealous! And we can’t wait to visit them and get a little taste of their college life too.
Grief/sadness: There’s no getting around this. This loved one who was in your house every day for 18 years has moved on. When you get home from that drop-off, you will not hear those footsteps in your house anymore. There will be an empty seat at the dinner table. It’s not forever. They will return home sometimes. But they, and you, have entered a new phase of life. Your kids are growing up. It’s normal. It’s great! But you will feel that void when they’re not around. And it hurts profoundly.
Nervousness: You are a concerned parent. You can’t help but have a lot of worries. This transition is hard on you, and it may very well be hard on your kiddo too. How will they handle it? Will they make new friends? How will they fare in college-level classes? Will they eat right? Can they do their own laundry? Will they make the right decisions? Will they be safe? All these worries put a pit in your stomach.
Stress: Let’s face it. Moving a kid into college is a lot. There’s so much to buy to outfit that dorm room these days. There’s a lot of paperwork at the start of a school year. Classes to schedule. And big bills. College is not cheap these days. It adds up to a busy summer. Then we packed our minivan to the gills and made an 800-mile drive to campus. Move-in day itself, with all the moving parts and the people to meet, can create quite a bit of stress too.
Mortality: Not to be morbid, but if your kids are getting older and becoming adults, that means you are getting older too. You’re a long way from being a college kid yourself when your kids are in college.
You throw all these emotions together, and it’s a heady mix. It’s a lot to process. I’m still working it out myself, as we’ve returned home, and I find myself lingering a little outside my daughter’s quiet, empty bedroom.
She will do great things in college. We will keep in touch and visit and cheer for her all the way. And we are happy that we also still happen to have a high school kid at home for a few more years, to cherish our time with him until we go through another big college drop-off and another big transition.
And now, when I think about my daughter going through her first days of college, so far from home, I’ve added one more feeling to this mix: lucky.
I feel so very lucky to have reasons why my heart aches so much at college drop-offs. I feel so very lucky to have children I love this much.
John Biemer, a former baiduhai reporter, is a physician living in Oak Park.
Submit a letter, of no more than 400 words, to the editor here or email [email protected].