Here it is again — fall — everyone’s favorite season. Even though it seems like we are barely put away our snow boots, the gold and orange leaves are back. And by back, I mean the faux ones in stores, not those on actual trees.
Fall is a season unlike any other. Popular culture has us believe there are more things to do to get ready for it than for Christmas. Feeling overwhelmed already? For those who need it, this week I’m presenting my fall guide to make sure you don’t miss anything.
1. Fall colors. Even though we’re blessed to live in an area rich with autumn hues, it simply isn’t good enough to admire them from your kitchen window. You must travel at least 50 miles away to see more of them. Why? Because they’re better.
Of course, you’re busy with all your other fall chores (see below) but that shouldn’t stop you taking time out to go somewhere else. Door County in Wisconsin is a popular choice and will only take five hours to reach without stops.
If you really want to collect your merit badge in fall foliage, you must go to all the way New England, where the hills are smothered in it. If you’ve lived in the Midwest all your life, you might want to Google what a hill is. Remember to post your photos on Facebook or no one will know to be jealous of your trip.
2. Apple picking. Sure you can buy apples in Jewel, but in fall you have to pick your own. This will mean traveling out of state to an orchard. Obviously, we have apple orchards here in Illinois, but after your journey to Wisconsin, you might as well travel up the other side of the Lake Michigan and head to Michigan for this.
Once you’ve managed to find a parking spot at the orchard (good luck with that), you’ll be able to spend hours wandering up and down rows of trees with a basket in which to carry your crunchy, juicy treasures. Just how many you get largely depends on how tall you are. What I can tell you is however many you end up with, it’ll be enough to make at least 20 apple pies, which will live out the rest of their days in the bottom of your freezer.
3. Apple cider. Despite its name, this drink isn’t usually alcoholic. It’s kind of a cloudy apple juice that you can buy by the gallon and drink warm. It tends to be super sweet but somehow we all think it’s healthy because it’s made from the apples doctors tell us to eat every day.
4. Home decorations. I doubt any of us decorate their homes for spring or summer, but for some reason its essential if you’re going to enjoy fall. So once you’ve raked all the leaves off your lawn, you need to go inside and start throwing faux varieties all over your shelves and mantle. And don’t forget the wreath on the front door. If you have any inspirations of one day hosting your own HGTV program, you’ll need to include at least one display of gourds in each room, the gnarlier the better.
5. Pumpkins. Pumpkins are in a league of their own. By early September you must have at least one out on your doorstep even though Halloween is weeks away and it’ll be rotten or eaten by squirrels way before then.
A couple of years ago I got a little carried away and filled an old Radio Flyer wagon with pumpkins to leave in my front yard. They looked very festive until the rains came and turned them into soggy, rotting, unbelievably heavy compost.
Once again, it’s easy enough to pick a pumpkin up at one of the hundreds of grocery store chains around here, but you’ll score more points if you go to a real pumpkin patch, lug it all the way back to the car and then place it on your porch. I have no idea why pumpkins are so admired. I mean, how many people decorate their doorsteps with watermelons in the summer?
6. Scarecrows. Are many of you bothered by crows during the year? I thought not. So why do you insist on planting scarecrows by your front door? Crows are not lining up to fly in every time you open the door. Nor are they going to be fooled into thinking it’s a real person if you stick it in a plant pot. But for some reason nothing says autumn like scarecrows so, if you’re not a rule breaker, you better get one.
7. Pumpkin-flavored everything. Now’s the time to savor pumpkin-spiced drinks, whether you like them or not. The mere idea seems strange to me. I mean they’re not made of pumpkin, but the spices used to give pumpkin flavor. It’s like stirring a spoon of curry powder into a glass of milk and pretending you are eating a rich, exotic dish.
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For those who don’t like pumpkin flavors, this year Starbucks has come up with an alternative that they apparently didn’t taste in development. If you want to know what the Iced Apple Crisp Oatmilk Shaken Espresso tastes like, I’d suggest leaving a bag of potpourri in the fridge overnight and sprinkling it into a glass of milk in the morning.
We don’t eat dishes made of tulips in the spring, so perhaps it’s time to give this trend a rest.
Hilary Decent is a freelance journalist who moved to Naperville from England in 2007.